One moment

July 30/16

I am still having issues eating and my stomach isn’t very happy with me. I think the starflower oil is helping with my crazy acne and maybe my moods as well. I guess adding it to my daily routine was a good idea. I feel very tired and lazy today… not much energy which sort of sucks. I hate feeling like I want to nap but the time of day is too weird. I think because I’m experiencing mild insomnia and keeping waking up through the night I feel tired in my waking hours.

If I had Liam here I would feel a lot better. It seemed like he really wanted to see me on Wednesday. When we went to bed together he took over, he initiated everything which is unusual for him… maybe because he was drunk he just wanted it that much more. And in the morning as well, it’s that thing where kissing leads to touching and then things get out of hand but usually in a good way. I wasn’t really feeling it but he fixed that in short order, and now that I’m between emotions I just want him, I want that physical connection we have. I feel like I am missing that right now, and that it will help my mood.

I feel like sex does help to stabilize my mood swings and helps me relax, and its nice when he takes over so I can coast and enjoy myself. Need some of those endorphins. I miss how we used to be in March, we used to see each other a lot and it was everything. It was cute and intimate and hot and fun. That’s the thing, Liam is cute, sweet, fun and definitely hot, and the way he kisses me is amazing sometimes.

Back before I had my IUD put in and I was not able to sleep with him sometimes I felt like I was dying. Sometimes I would just look over at him and think to myself “why is he so attractive to me and why do I want him so badly?” And sometimes it’s the look he gives me, I know it’s like why are you looking at me but its his eyes that draw me in. It’s the “What?” with his half-smile/smirk and then he sighs at me. And his accent gets me all the time, so British I love it and he hates me when I try to repeat and copy it. He gives me death glares when I do that.

There are so many little things in life that we do that are unique to us, things no one else does, or things no one else does the same way we do. I love those moments when you can look at someone and in that moment you see them in a way that you don’t normally look at them, but you know you love them because you love the mundane things. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me like that, it’s those moments where you think time stood still for a few seconds so you can remember one single moment pristinely.

I can think of a few of these moments with many people, some of my best friends or used to be best friends. One single moment in a memory, a look, a way that they do something. I remember when Beth and I used to hang out all the time, just her laugh when we would have pillow fights or at our inside jokes. Or with Carleigh  it was always her excited smile when I would see her and when she saw Blue (my Miniature Australian Shepherd who I’ve since put down). With Caleb it was one glance in my old bedroom. With Liam I have a couple, one when we were in his room  and I looked at him and he smiled and asked what as he does and I just walked over to him and kissed him. The other one was at his old flat in Zone 4, I was touching him and he asked me if that’s all I was going to do with a smirk on his face because he’s a bit cheeky like that lol.

xx Hailey

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