Lend yourself to me

July 28/16

I went out last night and saw Liam… We talked a bit about the Facebook photo stuff, I’m surprised that he even thinks about that stuff and remembers that it hurt me when my ex wouldn’t acknowledge me on Facebook. I’m sort of worried about the conversation we will have next week. I am a real mess and I feel stressed out… in the end Liam came through for me. I needed someone yesterday really badly and he had my back.

I’m not sure why he has such a high tolerance for my bipolar, he’s sort of a champ actually, kind of like an art haha. He just has this way of extending himself to me, and in a useful way. He helps me pick up the pieces, even the ones that are from someone else. I’m not sure how to put into words how much it means to me to have him on my side, he’s on my side even when I’m crying. He makes me smile when I feel like the whole world is falling apart, and it’s not because he kisses me or sleeps with me, it’s because he can lend himself to me and knows I’m struggling with things.

I hope that I can do that for people around me, if it’s Liam or one of my other friends, I really try with Kenz. But Liam knows it’s beyond my capacity to control. I think he knows more than he lets on. I never imagined when I met him  that he would be here the way he is, never thought that anyone would ever look past my bipolar and see something beyond my bipolar.

It’s nice to know he is there for me when I can’t be with most of my support system since they are 3,500 miles away by plane. Maybe in a really strange way it’s like having family on England. he has a heart of gold and so much patience, I have no idea how he can be that patient. I think I would lose it on myself if I was in that situation.

I think I love him in a way he can’t understand, my ex Caleb broke me and I’m still figuring my shit out because three and a half years of conditioning leaves some deep scars. I learned I wasn’t good enough to be apart of his life and that it’s okay to be fucked around by someone you love. It’s delusional but I learned to feel like neglect is what love feels like…. it’s not.

xx Hailey

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