The bipolar cage

July 26/16

I think I’m still on a high but it’s more about anger now. I’m more productive and I’m thinking a lot… I actually with Mackenzie were here, Kenz gets it. Kenz feels my feelings and right now I feel isolated. Why is it when I first moved to London I never felt isolated like this? I feel that I want everything, and I need my friends to get me through this right now.

Bipolar is a struggle , one you can’t always battle alone. I hope Riley will come hang out with me this week because my emotions are so messy and I could really use a friend that’s in London. I know I have my issues but i thought my friends would be there when I feel like I’m free-falling. My emotions are so screwed up right now, I feel so fucked up just trying to talk about it.

I’m going to see the doctor on Monday morning and see what I can do about it. No one notices except me because no one spends enough time with me these days to take notice. I’m actually working really hard to control this episode, but I am definitely challenged. Let’s see if I can talk to someone who is a professional, I wish I were home and could see my psychiatrist. That’s the one shitty thing about being here, I have basically no support system.

Grips on these emotions would be spectacular. I can’t get there this time, I’m really not okay right now, my anxiety is out of control, my emotions are running wild and I feel helpless for once in a very long time. Flipping switches like it’s fun. I’m not having fun, not even a little, this is beyond rough.

I just have a lot going on, so much so that my head is spinning out of control. I have had bipolar a long time without even realizing I had it for years, the insane depression even my parents could see that. Life is so hard when your body doesn’t like you very much. No one gets the shit that’s going on in my head, only me and I guess no one can save you from yourself. Always at odds with myself, I have to tell and remind myself that I’m really lucky and in so many people’s minds I have it so good and I’m brave and I should feel lucky about my circumstances.

I’m so angry and irritated and upset. No one can see your inner battle scars, or even know they are still bleeding out. I gave Liam the keys to my mind and I’ve let him know my secrets, the deepest ones and where has that got me? Hurt, like a door mat… feel like now he has seen that there is no going back, as usual bipolar makes relationships hard and no one wants to deal with someone with bipolar. No one wants to deal with the breakdowns.

Bipolar is ruining my entire life! I legitimately don’t want to be me, in this body, in this place. I want to release myself from the bipolar cage that is my entire life. I see nothing good about having lame bipolar. Bipolar isn’t lovable, it’s a mess and one I am sick of cleaning. I’m not allowed to be happy, I’m not allowed to have the things I want. Life doesn’t like me even a little. Life is making me miserable, and I’m lucky i can fake happiness and other emotions I’m not feeling, like optimism.

xx Hailey

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