Bipolar – Mania

July 25/14

So what’s it like to be on high sorta for once? Feels good minus this stomach ache. Just feeling like I made progress, being mad with mania is kind of weird but it’s normal when you are bipolar as fuck. I’m like energy and tired at once? Not sure how those two things can happen at once but hey, bipolar!

First manic episode in a very long time, now how long will it last? I feel like my past is so over and it’s just good! I’m letting go but I won’t forget because I’m a bitch who isn’t going to let that bullshit happen again. I am ready to start my new job and I feel bored because I’m home doing nothing.

At least I’m being mildly productive, I wrote Nana a letter that I will post her tomorrow. Getting all my shit in order and I’m A-ok that I’m wearing Liam’s old t-shirt to bed because I’m a champ and it’s a comfy shirt. It’s cool, I can rep L.F.C. from bed I guess! It’s just all good in bipolar land.

Maybe I should go to a psychiatrist here… meds are not working properly I don’t think… I’m up and down like a yo-yo. Spur of the moment crying, anxiety, depression, anger, irritability and now mania as I know it to be for myself at least. Starting to think maybe Seroquel would be a good thing to try again and give a fair shot this time. since last time I wasn’t really taking my Lamotrigine properly at the time. Maybe this time I can try to struggle with it for a couple of weeks and see. I think my depressed state also just wasn’t helping me then. Maybe I’ll make an appointment to see a psychiatrist over here.

I need to stabilize, I know because mania is hard to mistake really. I thought I was stable for so long but I think my life shifting and changing gears has affected my emotional state. So many changes, expectations from my friends and even from myself. Maybe this has been a subconscious trigger for me.

I’m like hyper and tired all at once… maybe the Lucozade is to blame. At least I don’t have to worry about birth control drug interactions, or pregnancy, or getting my period! I think it was such a good decision for me to pick that when I did, nice for me to take less medication and it’s less to worry about when I sleep with Liam.

I want that right now, that feeling, that touch, but I’m stubborn and I won’t back down. I’m done trying with him when I want things he doesn’t. No more pushing, not for a kiss, or a hug, holding hands or anything else. I want him but he has to want me back or it’s pointless. Maybe the sooner I realize he’s just not that into me I can step back or forward or whatever and just walk. I can walk whenever with no questions asked. It’s a bit sad knowing that it’s  all riding on that moment, the moment when one of us stops. Who knows who will pull that trigger, I don’t know. Should really be me but I don’t know if I will, I know I can, I just don’t want to see his reaction for fear that it will be as I think it will be… emotionless.

Why is bipolar so fucked? Like hyper-tired, hyper-tired… like what? Yes, lets defy human nature to be one or the other because brain chemicals fuck up. Brain chemicals though… science… I should read more about it really so I can know what’s going on in there, I know it has something to do with the synapses and brain firing… weird

xx Hailey


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