How well do you know yourself?

July 24/16 

I’m making myself frustrated, Liam can post a million photos with other people on Facebook and what do I get? Lies…. lies told to other people about us spending time together, lies about what goes on between us and no real reasons. I feel as though I’m back at square one… back to having the relationships I have with people thrown into the closet.

Why do I always make deals with the devil? That’s what this space was designed for… a place for me to lose my head and try to screw it back on straight again. I’m always stuck in a clusterfuck game. Maybe I will give up men for another three years… I’m so mad, i can feel it in my stomach, the same feeling I had when Caleb was getting with that stupid psychotic girl. It’s actually nauseating and causes mild breakdowns.

Thank god I’m an adult now and have my own space. You know it’s bad when your mood takes over, makes you feel ill and gives you a panic attack which makes you so tired you sleep for an hour. Yay for panic attacks…. NOT! I’m sick of bipolar, sick of overwhelming emotions that I just can’t control.

I am back to spiralling. I feel like garbage because of my moods and anxiety. I don’t eat much or well, I don’t sleep well, I’m just not really well at all. My brain chemicals hate me. What is worse than your body not functioning properly? Am I hurting? Yes. Can other people relate? Not especially.

If like was easy I could control my feelings/emotions, but I think people with bipolar don’t have control as other people do. I get so worked up about stuff, like last weekend for example when nothing went my way and I felt so upset I ended up crying. So strong, yet so weak, I don’t see why I can so easily be both. I can cry my eyes out in a guys arms but I can also go do things all by myself, like going to new cities and moving countries.

I love how little I actually know about myself… why I am how I am. How many times will I get burned for making the same mistakes over and over? When will I ever learn? At the end of the day I know I’m the problem.

xx Hailey

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