One moment

July 30/16

I am still having issues eating and my stomach isn’t very happy with me. I think the starflower oil is helping with my crazy acne and maybe my moods as well. I guess adding it to my daily routine was a good idea. I feel very tired and lazy today… not much energy which sort of sucks. I hate feeling like I want to nap but the time of day is too weird. I think because I’m experiencing mild insomnia and keeping waking up through the night I feel tired in my waking hours.

If I had Liam here I would feel a lot better. It seemed like he really wanted to see me on Wednesday. When we went to bed together he took over, he initiated everything which is unusual for him… maybe because he was drunk he just wanted it that much more. And in the morning as well, it’s that thing where kissing leads to touching and then things get out of hand but usually in a good way. I wasn’t really feeling it but he fixed that in short order, and now that I’m between emotions I just want him, I want that physical connection we have. I feel like I am missing that right now, and that it will help my mood.

I feel like sex does help to stabilize my mood swings and helps me relax, and its nice when he takes over so I can coast and enjoy myself. Need some of those endorphins. I miss how we used to be in March, we used to see each other a lot and it was everything. It was cute and intimate and hot and fun. That’s the thing, Liam is cute, sweet, fun and definitely hot, and the way he kisses me is amazing sometimes.

Back before I had my IUD put in and I was not able to sleep with him sometimes I felt like I was dying. Sometimes I would just look over at him and think to myself “why is he so attractive to me and why do I want him so badly?” And sometimes it’s the look he gives me, I know it’s like why are you looking at me but its his eyes that draw me in. It’s the “What?” with his half-smile/smirk and then he sighs at me. And his accent gets me all the time, so British I love it and he hates me when I try to repeat and copy it. He gives me death glares when I do that.

There are so many little things in life that we do that are unique to us, things no one else does, or things no one else does the same way we do. I love those moments when you can look at someone and in that moment you see them in a way that you don’t normally look at them, but you know you love them because you love the mundane things. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me like that, it’s those moments where you think time stood still for a few seconds so you can remember one single moment pristinely.

I can think of a few of these moments with many people, some of my best friends or used to be best friends. One single moment in a memory, a look, a way that they do something. I remember when Beth and I used to hang out all the time, just her laugh when we would have pillow fights or at our inside jokes. Or with Carleigh  it was always her excited smile when I would see her and when she saw Blue (my Miniature Australian Shepherd who I’ve since put down). With Caleb it was one glance in my old bedroom. With Liam I have a couple, one when we were in his room  and I looked at him and he smiled and asked what as he does and I just walked over to him and kissed him. The other one was at his old flat in Zone 4, I was touching him and he asked me if that’s all I was going to do with a smirk on his face because he’s a bit cheeky like that lol.

xx Hailey

Nervous

July 29/16

I don’t feel good lately, I’m not eating very much… my sleep quality is low. I feel nervous and anxious and scared to tell Liam how I’ve felt lately. Nervous about what he is going to say about it.

I’m also worried to go to the doctor because bipolar is hard to talk about, explain and decide if there is another drug suited to help fix my problems. More mood stabilizers I’m sure. I’m so tired and i wish I was doing more so that I would feel less low. I’m second guessing myself, and wonder if I will see a doctor who can help me, or send me to someone who will.

And I need some answers from Liam, I’ve given him access to how I really and honestly feel. That scares me, knowing that he knows the things I say to just myself, things basically no one knows about me. How crazy my bipolar actually can be. He has now seen me raw and I have no idea what possesses him to stick around, be here for me, and not mind that my bipolar is a huge part of my life. I can hardly do life right now….

xx Hailey

Lend yourself to me

July 28/16

I went out last night and saw Liam… We talked a bit about the Facebook photo stuff, I’m surprised that he even thinks about that stuff and remembers that it hurt me when my ex wouldn’t acknowledge me on Facebook. I’m sort of worried about the conversation we will have next week. I am a real mess and I feel stressed out… in the end Liam came through for me. I needed someone yesterday really badly and he had my back.

I’m not sure why he has such a high tolerance for my bipolar, he’s sort of a champ actually, kind of like an art haha. He just has this way of extending himself to me, and in a useful way. He helps me pick up the pieces, even the ones that are from someone else. I’m not sure how to put into words how much it means to me to have him on my side, he’s on my side even when I’m crying. He makes me smile when I feel like the whole world is falling apart, and it’s not because he kisses me or sleeps with me, it’s because he can lend himself to me and knows I’m struggling with things.

I hope that I can do that for people around me, if it’s Liam or one of my other friends, I really try with Kenz. But Liam knows it’s beyond my capacity to control. I think he knows more than he lets on. I never imagined when I met him  that he would be here the way he is, never thought that anyone would ever look past my bipolar and see something beyond my bipolar.

It’s nice to know he is there for me when I can’t be with most of my support system since they are 3,500 miles away by plane. Maybe in a really strange way it’s like having family on England. he has a heart of gold and so much patience, I have no idea how he can be that patient. I think I would lose it on myself if I was in that situation.

I think I love him in a way he can’t understand, my ex Caleb broke me and I’m still figuring my shit out because three and a half years of conditioning leaves some deep scars. I learned I wasn’t good enough to be apart of his life and that it’s okay to be fucked around by someone you love. It’s delusional but I learned to feel like neglect is what love feels like…. it’s not.

xx Hailey

Rough shape

July 27/16

I have no appetite, and my sleep is a rough process, I don’t get much. I’m in the midst of an insane bipolar episode… I feel physically sick to my stomach. I said I want to go home which is funny since that’s one of the last places I want to be… I don’t know what’s going on with me but I’m going crazy, I can’t keep up with my emotions changing so quickly. Happy, sad, angry, anxious. Liam is hurting me in ways he can’t understand… I can’t talk to him about almost anything at all. I’m so angry and sad most of my friends don’t give a fuck about me and I can barely speak to anyone about anything… I told Liam I miss home, he said I should call home… he doesn’t get it and it’s annoying that he doesn’t understand. I just want a hug and kisses and a cuddle. I feel like dirt and I’m so upset I just want Liam here…. I really just need a hug……

xx Hailey

The bipolar cage

July 26/16

I think I’m still on a high but it’s more about anger now. I’m more productive and I’m thinking a lot… I actually with Mackenzie were here, Kenz gets it. Kenz feels my feelings and right now I feel isolated. Why is it when I first moved to London I never felt isolated like this? I feel that I want everything, and I need my friends to get me through this right now.

Bipolar is a struggle , one you can’t always battle alone. I hope Riley will come hang out with me this week because my emotions are so messy and I could really use a friend that’s in London. I know I have my issues but i thought my friends would be there when I feel like I’m free-falling. My emotions are so screwed up right now, I feel so fucked up just trying to talk about it.

I’m going to see the doctor on Monday morning and see what I can do about it. No one notices except me because no one spends enough time with me these days to take notice. I’m actually working really hard to control this episode, but I am definitely challenged. Let’s see if I can talk to someone who is a professional, I wish I were home and could see my psychiatrist. That’s the one shitty thing about being here, I have basically no support system.

Grips on these emotions would be spectacular. I can’t get there this time, I’m really not okay right now, my anxiety is out of control, my emotions are running wild and I feel helpless for once in a very long time. Flipping switches like it’s fun. I’m not having fun, not even a little, this is beyond rough.

I just have a lot going on, so much so that my head is spinning out of control. I have had bipolar a long time without even realizing I had it for years, the insane depression even my parents could see that. Life is so hard when your body doesn’t like you very much. No one gets the shit that’s going on in my head, only me and I guess no one can save you from yourself. Always at odds with myself, I have to tell and remind myself that I’m really lucky and in so many people’s minds I have it so good and I’m brave and I should feel lucky about my circumstances.

I’m so angry and irritated and upset. No one can see your inner battle scars, or even know they are still bleeding out. I gave Liam the keys to my mind and I’ve let him know my secrets, the deepest ones and where has that got me? Hurt, like a door mat… feel like now he has seen that there is no going back, as usual bipolar makes relationships hard and no one wants to deal with someone with bipolar. No one wants to deal with the breakdowns.

Bipolar is ruining my entire life! I legitimately don’t want to be me, in this body, in this place. I want to release myself from the bipolar cage that is my entire life. I see nothing good about having lame bipolar. Bipolar isn’t lovable, it’s a mess and one I am sick of cleaning. I’m not allowed to be happy, I’m not allowed to have the things I want. Life doesn’t like me even a little. Life is making me miserable, and I’m lucky i can fake happiness and other emotions I’m not feeling, like optimism.

xx Hailey

Bipolar – Mania

July 25/14

So what’s it like to be on high sorta for once? Feels good minus this stomach ache. Just feeling like I made progress, being mad with mania is kind of weird but it’s normal when you are bipolar as fuck. I’m like energy and tired at once? Not sure how those two things can happen at once but hey, bipolar!

First manic episode in a very long time, now how long will it last? I feel like my past is so over and it’s just good! I’m letting go but I won’t forget because I’m a bitch who isn’t going to let that bullshit happen again. I am ready to start my new job and I feel bored because I’m home doing nothing.

At least I’m being mildly productive, I wrote Nana a letter that I will post her tomorrow. Getting all my shit in order and I’m A-ok that I’m wearing Liam’s old t-shirt to bed because I’m a champ and it’s a comfy shirt. It’s cool, I can rep L.F.C. from bed I guess! It’s just all good in bipolar land.

Maybe I should go to a psychiatrist here… meds are not working properly I don’t think… I’m up and down like a yo-yo. Spur of the moment crying, anxiety, depression, anger, irritability and now mania as I know it to be for myself at least. Starting to think maybe Seroquel would be a good thing to try again and give a fair shot this time. since last time I wasn’t really taking my Lamotrigine properly at the time. Maybe this time I can try to struggle with it for a couple of weeks and see. I think my depressed state also just wasn’t helping me then. Maybe I’ll make an appointment to see a psychiatrist over here.

I need to stabilize, I know because mania is hard to mistake really. I thought I was stable for so long but I think my life shifting and changing gears has affected my emotional state. So many changes, expectations from my friends and even from myself. Maybe this has been a subconscious trigger for me.

I’m like hyper and tired all at once… maybe the Lucozade is to blame. At least I don’t have to worry about birth control drug interactions, or pregnancy, or getting my period! I think it was such a good decision for me to pick that when I did, nice for me to take less medication and it’s less to worry about when I sleep with Liam.

I want that right now, that feeling, that touch, but I’m stubborn and I won’t back down. I’m done trying with him when I want things he doesn’t. No more pushing, not for a kiss, or a hug, holding hands or anything else. I want him but he has to want me back or it’s pointless. Maybe the sooner I realize he’s just not that into me I can step back or forward or whatever and just walk. I can walk whenever with no questions asked. It’s a bit sad knowing that it’s  all riding on that moment, the moment when one of us stops. Who knows who will pull that trigger, I don’t know. Should really be me but I don’t know if I will, I know I can, I just don’t want to see his reaction for fear that it will be as I think it will be… emotionless.

Why is bipolar so fucked? Like hyper-tired, hyper-tired… like what? Yes, lets defy human nature to be one or the other because brain chemicals fuck up. Brain chemicals though… science… I should read more about it really so I can know what’s going on in there, I know it has something to do with the synapses and brain firing… weird

xx Hailey

How well do you know yourself?

July 24/16 

I’m making myself frustrated, Liam can post a million photos with other people on Facebook and what do I get? Lies…. lies told to other people about us spending time together, lies about what goes on between us and no real reasons. I feel as though I’m back at square one… back to having the relationships I have with people thrown into the closet.

Why do I always make deals with the devil? That’s what this space was designed for… a place for me to lose my head and try to screw it back on straight again. I’m always stuck in a clusterfuck game. Maybe I will give up men for another three years… I’m so mad, i can feel it in my stomach, the same feeling I had when Caleb was getting with that stupid psychotic girl. It’s actually nauseating and causes mild breakdowns.

Thank god I’m an adult now and have my own space. You know it’s bad when your mood takes over, makes you feel ill and gives you a panic attack which makes you so tired you sleep for an hour. Yay for panic attacks…. NOT! I’m sick of bipolar, sick of overwhelming emotions that I just can’t control.

I am back to spiralling. I feel like garbage because of my moods and anxiety. I don’t eat much or well, I don’t sleep well, I’m just not really well at all. My brain chemicals hate me. What is worse than your body not functioning properly? Am I hurting? Yes. Can other people relate? Not especially.

If like was easy I could control my feelings/emotions, but I think people with bipolar don’t have control as other people do. I get so worked up about stuff, like last weekend for example when nothing went my way and I felt so upset I ended up crying. So strong, yet so weak, I don’t see why I can so easily be both. I can cry my eyes out in a guys arms but I can also go do things all by myself, like going to new cities and moving countries.

I love how little I actually know about myself… why I am how I am. How many times will I get burned for making the same mistakes over and over? When will I ever learn? At the end of the day I know I’m the problem.

xx Hailey

Brighton!

July 23/16

Brighton was kinda fun, was hoping for more sun so I could go kayaking, but when I wanted to go it was cold and grey. It was really misty and the water looked pretty rough on the ocean. But now I’ve been to four UK cities! My travels may not be far but it’s something.

I know I don’t need other people, but its more fun with other people. I was so dirty by the time I got home I had to take a shower as soon as I walked in the door. It was nice to get out and do something though. I miss Liam a little but I feel like I need time and space because I’m in a shitty situation. I’m not ready to end this with him yet, I’m sad about it.

It just continues to feel like bipolar makes living my life a struggle. Maybe I should end this and let the sadness take over for a while. I don’t know how long it will take to move on… it really doesn’t matter I suppose, I just have to move on with whatever comes next.

It’s hard to move forward when you still have a few fingertips on the past, that won’t let go. I should really just choose but I can’t seem to let go 100% even though I’m over it…

xx Hailey

July 22/16

Brighton tomorrow!!! So glad I’m going alone on this one. Time to be strong and independent once again. I need to do this more often really. I moved to England on my own and I’m doing pretty well. I look after myself and I get shit done and I’m 3,500 miles from home. I’m doing the things most people won’t do because it’s not easy to pick up, drop everything and move, and to another country where you don’t know anyone.

I should be happy and still excited to live in London where the world is at such a short distance, well Europe. Planes to other countries that are 2-3 hours or less. Canada is so big, it’s like five hours from Toronto to Vancouver. I supposed I just love adventure, cities, countries, continents, all are fine with me. It’s always hard because I want to see more of the UK but I also want to see Europe and the cost difference is minimal. At least day trips are less expensive.

My goal this year/new years resolution was to visit three countries besides Canada and the UK, looks like I will be able to achieve that goal in October. Hopefully I can try for four countries because I would love to go to Amsterdam or Prague. I suppose three countries is pretty good though, I’m just greedy and always want more, maybe it’s okay since it got me here. Always reaching for the stars.

People think I’m brave for just up and moving, I’ve never really thought about it in that capacity. I feel like I was just born to do this, prepared to walk this different path in my life. My life in Canada was holding me back, I wanted a clean slate because my past always haunts me while I’m in Canada. I came to a place where no one knew me, not a single person. Moving for me was clean and calculated. I’m here to do things, like push my career forward and travel, and grow up and grow as a person.

So far I’m doing most of those things and it feels good to say that I’m achieving my goals and progressing my life forward. Travelling makes me happy because I get to try new things, have new experiences and learn things as well. This journey will always be a big accomplishment in my life, no matter where I end up. Now to Brighton!

xx Hailey

Flicker

July 21/16

So I bought train tickets to Brighton for Saturday and I’ll be flying solo on this one. I am going to make plans and do things because ultimately Liam doesn’t care what I do and has no desire to do things with me usually. With him it’s more of an “I don’t mind”. But who cares anyways? I’m planning on going Kayaking! This is the kind of positive mind-set I need right now. This week is mine, I should use it appropriately. You have to spend some money to have fun and I need some fun after last weekends awful shortcomings. Last weekend a breakdown, this weekend an adventure.

This is becoming very personal, I feel as though I will never be enough, not ever. I hate when my feelings flicker on me, like one minute I feel one thing and the next I feel something completely different. I never know what’s really in my mind and what’s not. I wish I could just find my happy place rather than dwell on stupid stuff that has no importance to my life. If only I could change my thoughts and feelings to match one another… not in real-time unfortunately…

xx Hailey