The scars are pretty deep

July 20/16

I’m at odds with myself, I know Liam is becoming a bad thing for me, I am taking a step back and realizing first hand that he’s not really here, when I’m in a rough place he’s helpful in person but it’s hard to have any kind or relationship with someone who neglects you. Even as friends I can’t have someone who won’t reply to me.

This has become one-sided to the point of breaking. I have a tough decision to make, although he’s kind of making it for me. He’s talked about when he finds someone else, he’s ready and that’s my decision already made honestly… this doesn’t change how I feel about him or how I feel about the next things, in some ways this has served me and in others it hasn’t served me at all.

It shouldn’t matter what he does, or doesn’t do because I have myself, bipolar or not. Do I think bipolar loves me so much it strangles me? Yes I do, and misery loves company and that company happens to be anxiety. I have dealt with this for years. How am I here if it weren’t an uphill battle? Where would I be without my battles?

Sometimes it’s easy and other days it’s hard to even breathe let alone do anything else. I can’t even work on myself because having bipolar negates making real progress. I move one step forward and three steps back always. Bipolar is the background music to my life and sometimes the volume is so loud it trumps everything else going on.

I have made progress from three years ago because I have moderate amounts of control most of the time, and I don’t have as many outbursts. Also I’m not psycho and pull ridiculous stunts anymore. I also have  a level of control about certain situations and being able to abandon them instead of fighting them. I have a place in my own head that medication helps me to achieve.  It allows me to have barriers in my mind that I never was able to set before I was on medication for my bipolar.

I still wonder who the hell I am, and what parts of me are real… if I have personalities. Most days I wonder if I’m stable and sane. It’s a terrible thing to wake up and wonder if you’ll get up, if you’ll be productive, if you’ll have a bad day.

I want to summon all of my strength and tell Liam this is not even working for me on a friendship level. I’m not filler, although my bipolar is a real threat to all of my relationships. I’ve been conditioned to think I’m not good enough, that everything I do is wrong, to take all the negative things to heart because that’s what three and a half years of negativity feels like.

The compartmentalization, hiding relationships, being told there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. Being told I’m not lovable, that I don’t deserve respect or to be loved. That I deserve to be broken and discarded. I honestly believed I was ready to work on my issues with someone who I trust but apparently I’m not. Baggage is my middle name and not because I moved so far from home. I have a solid foundation of hurt and nothingness. I don’t think I can do relationships anymore…

xx Hailey


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