Irritated by just about everything

July 18/16

I’m tired and irritated, this heat makes my feelings worse. I’m annoyed I keep telling my friends my situation but it’s like they never actually hear me. Riley is saying I should move on from my past but I did that a long time ago… like two years ago. Then Hannah thinks that I’m somehow going to make an extra £1200 from somewhere. Like I’m going to make enough to live, not spend £1200  on one single holiday that only lasts three days, Tomorrowland is so expensive.

I don’t have any certainty about what the next year of my life looks like and it’s hard for me. I feel like my friends can’t understand, like Hannah thinks I’ll find a design job out of the blue and get a higher salary… that’s so hard to do, London is so competitive. If only life were so easy to just have it all, the guy, the job, the apartment/house. Wouldn’t it be amazing if life just worked like that… it just doesn’t.

I’ll be lucky to know what the next six months look like, let alone a year.One year has changed my entire life. Even Liam kind of wants me to stay. And I don’t know what to do to get what I want anymore., it all seems very out of reach. All of it, my career, relationships, moving out permanently, travelling. I can barely control my emotions, everything after that is just a nightmare.

I just want my life to work out after all the nonsense… too much to ask as per my usual. Always trying to get further, but obviously the hard way. At least I have some kind of job now, and it’s salary and I will be sitting at a desk instead of on my feet all day. But Liam continues this texting nonsense, he barely messages me back, when he does it’s like the next day… a text takes like five seconds… how are we even friends if you can’t even talk to me? And about simple things that are not even deep conversations… I’m so frustrated right now by the people in my life right now. My bipolar is filled with frustration, irritation and annoyance by small insignificant things… again yay for being a bloody bipolar mess…

xx Hailey


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