I concede

July 13/16

I concede, I will never understand Liam, I can’t be in his head. I’m clearly depressed, I can tell even though its being repressed by my medication. I can tell because I cry too easily, I don’t care that much about sex, I’m not happy and I don’t feel my best. I feel like I’m either not myself or I am my most real self. I am losing parts of me… parts that I can’t distinguish from being myself or not.

I think bipolar makes you wonder more deeply about yourself because the medication masks who you are underneath and you don’t know what you are or who you are. Having bipolar that you are treating with medication is such a hard relationship to have within yourself because you don’t know if who you are without it is closer to yourself or if the medicated person you are now is more true to yourself.

It’s hard knowing that I will never know, going on my medication again is not going to solve for X, it’s just throwing myself into a spiral really. I’ve tried living unmedicated and it was honestly pretty terrible, the person I am when I’m not treating my bipolar is not someone I am proud of, but rather a person I am ashamed of. There are massive differences between me now versus then. Going off my medication is like setting a time bomb, waiting to experience my emotions full-out the way I used to, with no control switch. To be my wild and free self, and by wild and free I mean out of control.

I’m starting to think I should try a different drug or add another drug in to stabilize my emotions. I am mostly stable I think, but my moods are a bit heavier now, I feel more deeply, like too much – overboard. I want to have that control again, be in the driver’s seat. I feel like lately I’m just constantly reeling myself in. As though having control is some kind of dream.

I just feel like cuddling with Liam, I want to be close to him without sleeping with him. I want his affection because it will make me feel better. I am difficult with him in bed because I’m depressed, and I just want to be wanted, really wanted. I know my bipolar will never be good in any relationship, it will only bury it alive.

I’m glad he is willing to let my argument slide, its hard for me to explain to people without sounding like I’m using my mental illness to my advantage. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself but sometimes it’s the only one I have… will it ever not be my reason for lashing out at people in my life? It’s kind of a crutch sometimes, I wish I could just get rid of bipolar and anxiety and live a relatively normal life where my emotions don’t go crazy, and where me being in control is more consistent.

xx Hailey

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