A really bad day to have bipolar

July 17/16

It’s safe to say yesterday which was Saturday was a complete disaster… nothing went as planned. No Scotch Eggs from Scotchtails in Borough Market, my feet have blisters because I’m not that smart and wore sandals into central London, lunch was fair at best, Riley cancelled on me, I couldn’t find a nice shirt for my new job. And into the evening Alex and Luke didn’t come back until late, my favourite Playstation game I had specifically brought back from Canada wasn’t in its case (the story about the game is kind of funny, me and Liam were talking about video games and we found out we both love one of the same games growing up, I still have my copy, well I do somewhere in Canada). I have learned I’m pretty awful at darts, I kept missing the board, and the worst thing was I starting bawling my eyes out at Liam… what a fucking awful day!

Liam and I were talking about us and stopping what we are doing together, then he was saying I’ll just find someone else and all of a sudden I was in tears… about my bipolar ruining all of my relationships. He cuddled me and held me and said that I’m being silly because he’s so damn English like that, and told me that I shouldn’t cry. I was almost inconsolable, my bipolar had horrible effects on my last relationship, and those scars are still there after all this time, and even after I moved on ages ago and now having feelings for Liam. Sometimes those wounds feel brand new, or re-cut open, and like someone threw salt into them and rubbed.

Liam said that my bipolar has had no effect  on how he feels about me, and that someone will love me for me, with my bipolar… I still struggle to believe that because of all the stuff I went through with Caleb about three years ago. Caleb made me feel like I was alone with my bipolar, I feel like Liam actually tries to understand my situation even thought I really didn’t think he would. Liam is nice, and he cares about my feelings. He tells me how he can barely see my bipolar and that my ex is a jerk, which he was at the time.

I’m pretty sure I won’t find anyone like him again, no one that is as patient and understanding as he is. Liam treats me like I deserve to be loved, I love him because he treats me like that and cares about me, he wants the best outcome for me in my life. I can’t believe I trust him as much as I do, or let him see the raw, bipolar parts of me that I hide from everyone else. I love him in a unique way, I feel like I have never loved anyone in the way I love him, not that I love him more, it’s just different.

xx Hailey

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