July 11/16

It’s interesting for me to hear Riley tell me I am too into Liam, I’ve thought about it but I think it’s hard to be rational when bipolar comes into play. I have this moment to sit and think, I can see how sometimes I get hung up on him, and it sort of deteriorates from me, my confidence, my sense of self, and my ability to stand on my own two feet.

I got to where I am now on these two feet and I should look deeper inside myself and rediscover myself, my drive, my independence. I think I have already started, I went out on my own on Saturday and I enjoyed myself, by myself. I spent my entire day on my own and I owned it. Moving forward to today, today and yesterday I have taken a time out because I might start to lose me again and that’s sad.

I am who I am for a reason and there is no reason for me to lose myself again, been there, mastered that chapter of my life. I’m no seasoned pro, bipolar sucks me in sometimes and into things that are not in my life to build me up. Sometimes I forget who I am because bipolar can be a stranglehold and sometimes I forget to fight back even though sometimes I win.

People tell me I’m mentally strong all the time, and I know I am buried down there, I just have to reach down deep enough. I remember now the girl who got over her greatest and first love and moved on, the girl who worked toward goals and moved to England on her own. I have that inside me, I just ned to pull it out. I’m too quick to run my emotions, but they tend to run rampant on me.

I don’t feel in control, like most people who can control their emotions easily. I worry if I blame bipolar too much and this is actually just me to blame. It’s a hard inner battle and it goes on all the time in another train of thought, especially the one that tries to rationalize things as they occur. My brain doesn’t like the rules and lashes out in my mind than out loud. Where do you go with people after you lash out at them for no good, sane reason? I suppose I will find out in a few days…

xx Hailey

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