It’s been a while

July 9/16

I have five million thins on my mind… which is semi-normal. My emotions  are on high – I almost cried on the train into London, which is still on my list of things I don’t do. I tried to explain myself without being aggressive, since my first instinct is that I’m right and that I should fight. That’s the thing, I don’t want it to be a fight, I just want to have a conversation, but that would just be too easy.

I tried to explain to Liam that my bipolar runs my life sometimes but he doesn’t get it… and why would he get it? He’s not in my position. I’m upset he said that I obsess over him, it actually hurts… like he threw a knife at my heart and just missed by a little. I know I can be a handful, and I will never have real love because of my bipolar. If he really hates my bipolar he should just walk away because I don’t need people who won’t support me when I’ve dug myself into a hole that I’m struggling to get out of on my own.

I hate that bipolar defines my life and that I don’t know myself very well because I am mentally ill. I try not to use it as a crutch but it’s challenging because its such a dominant part of who I am. If he really cares about me he would see that. He can’t relate but he doesn’t realize that sometimes he says things that hurt me, because I don’t have a lot of control over my emotions, it’s just a part of having bipolar.

I don’t like thinking I obsess over him because my bipolar makes me obsessive and sad, and angry and irritated and sometimes exceptionally happy and excited. I really don’t know what to do now. He thinks I’m obsessive and crazy, and all I can do is be sad that he sees melike that. All I wanted was to see him… and all I got was hurt… and sad, sad that he didn’t have the desire to come see me. I am not going to beg him, I asked him because I wanted to see him. One minute it’s because of work, the next because of a hangover… I feel like he’s just lying to me about one or the other… it really sucks.

I don’t really see why Alex thinks we could be so great together… we are not getting along at all lately and Liam doesn’t have time for me. I’m consistently low on his priorities list. I want to know why he even likes me, what is making him keep me if it’s not a big deal if I move home to Canada and if this ended he wouldn’t even care that it ended. I want to know why he wants to take me to dinner.

Damn right I’m going to read into this because it’s been over four months. That’s ridiculous, this whole think started five months ago… that’s a long time for what was supposed to be a fling. It’s hard to think about now, almost half a year has gone by. This was never supposed to last and here I am causing problems five months later.

So many things have happened in the last few months that no wonder I’m having crazy bipolar episodes. My sex drive was super high and my emotions were not so erratic, and now my sex drive is low and I feel sad and angry and irritable. I just miss being cuddled, and kissed and I mean really kissed not a peck. Mostly probably because I need those happy endorphins because my brain isn’t creating them on its own. I miss things that make me happy…

xx Hailey


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