Push and pull

July 5/16

I need to start taking my bipolar medication properly, I’m lucky I don’t completely lose it when I don’t take my medication for a day or two, just get a bit depressed or agitated. Also in other news my acne is driving me crazy and my skin is so oily lately, I don’t know why.

Maybe not taking birth control pills has let my hormones go nuts… maybe some evening primrose oil will help to sort out the hormone balance? My stupid body is breaking out too… I just have no idea what to do about it. I still need Liam to come to me, I’m not playing anymore, I get painted as annoying because he refuses to reply to half my text messages. I’m so done, like you can talk to me when you feel like it mate or I can just vacate your life. I don’t need to be needy and i don’t need to be interested.

I’m so tired of being seen this way, yes I can be needy especially when I’m depressed and neglact to take my medication properly. It’s shitty, and he will always view it as being needy and clingy instead of what it really is which is dperession and not taking drugs and just being in a bad place right now because my life is somewhat upside down.

It doesn’t matter if I make excuses or what I do actually, ultimately no one understands that side of me anyways and he doesn’t care about it until I have a panic atrack that he doesn’t understand or really know is happening. I feel like one day he wants to be here for me and the next he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He has told me in the past that if I was seriously having problems that I could call him but i don’t really know what falls into that category. Then again I don’t call for help when i need it, I’m stubborn and want to handle stuff myself.

I don’t need to explain myself to him. He just needs to accept that I’m me and I’m not especailly normal as I would have most people believe I am. I can be very deceptive about my real self because of my bipolar. Sometimes I don’t know my real self, covered by medication and a smile. Who knew I would be so different when I’m medicated…

xx Hailey

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