I’ll show you mine

July 3/16

I am hurting, I feel unwanted just now. I feel like he’s probably just showing his adult colours and I’m showing him my bipolar… and it’s a bloody fucking nightmare. I feel like I’m getting the nice and the “I don’t care” side all at once. He said he wants to take me out for dinner, he wants to be at the airport when I move home, but he texts me less and told me he won’t be sad when I move home.

What am I doing? Why am I so desperate to spend time with someone who won’t even miss me in my absence and who will just say “Oh well” when I get on a plane to leave indefinitely? Who the fuck wants that? I don’t even want that from Riley, to just give me a hug and not be sad I’m leaving… I will be sad and miss them, if they don’t miss me that just hurts.

Like okay sure you are used to not living close to your friends and family but I won’t be a short plane ride away… and I won’t even necessarily see you in any regular period of time, like every 3-6 months or even in a year. Maybe it would be better to cut my loses and just say goodbye permanently because I can’t be the only one who cares. I might not see him for years at a time but he’ll just get over it. I don’t want 3-5 text messages a year from him, I want someone who will genuinely want to keep up with me and my life.

He talks to his best friend Ashley basically daily but I sincerely doubt he would do that for me. I’m just not that special to him. I’m not sure why this should be anything new to me… Sure he makes time for me, sure he takes me out, sure he wants me to meet his friends and go on holiday but when I’m gone there will be no void, no space that I used to take. This issue has become very personal for me because my ex, Caleb did the same, there was something better, and then I became replaceable. I am not on this planet to be replaceable, to not be good enough to want to keep. People who care about will feel a void when I’m gone. I want to be apart of someone’s life.

Why are you cuddling me in the morning? Why do you want to take me out to a nice dinner? And why do you want to take me to the airport? Why do you hug me and kiss me after we have sex? Why the fuck am I not your girlfriend nor your friend with benefits or a one night stand? I’m none… and all….

xx Hailey

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