Can’t let you go

July 2/16

Nothing ever changes, I just wish Liam wanted to talk to me… and see me, but I can just tell he has nothing to say to me… because I’m the hookup girl and you can’t have any real conversation with the hookup girl. He rarely tells me anything about himself, only a few things about his family and more often about his best friend. I feel like he doesn’t like or trust me enough to talk to me about anything real.

Maybe I should just get over it… sometimes it’s perfect and sometimes it’s very apparent that we just don’t click. I’m not so sure I want to see what friendship looks like with him… I feel like it will be very one-sided, and that he will still refuse to tell me anything at all… we are just going to drift as far apart as will physically be… an ocean apart… I get that he wants us to be friends but I feel like regardless of the relationship long distance is always going to be hard, even as just friends. You still have to put in effort that I can’t see him putting in.

I feel like so often if I would just disappear it wouldn’t make a difference, my presence in his life is minimal and when I leave it will be as if I was never here in the first place. He’s reiterated the fact that my presence in his life doesn’t change his life and it’s not really that important.

Why do I always get caught up thinking about this shit? I know it will end and I need to prepare myself for when I leave and that moment where I’m going to be crying in public and he will leave me with a stone cold look on his face, not even a little phased that I’ll be gone. I can feel it in my heart that will be the time when this all feels very real and very over. I think my heart will just shatter right there… I’ll just stand there completely gutted about London and us simultaneously. A live wreck in the middle of Gatwick airport… I don’t especially want to look like a fool.

Life has its own plan and I can’t fathom that moment when we part ways one final time. I just want to be with him just thinking about that situation. I need that guy who treats me like gold who has me sitting on his lap to brush my hair, and who cuddles me as soon as he wakes up in the morning and who is there for me.

xx Hailey

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