It’s not always sunny

June 30/16

I’m so irritated, with my mom bugging me about stupid shit that basically has no effect on my life, and because I’m frustrated with job hunting, and because I tried to make light of something Liam was telling me about and it majorly backfired in my face… I’m pretty useless at these kinds of things really… should really have just kept my mouth shut.

But right now I have so much on my mind and I feel lost in outer space. Money, moving, work… bipolar, depression. I really hope my interview goes well so I can stay here a few more months but I don’t know what will happen in the future, and I don’t want to make predictions, I don’t want to think about things any longer.

I am not going to keep thinking about things that tur out to be fine later. Sometimes it’s enough to just let things play out. I can’t pick at it and expect it to get better, it will only get better if I leave it alone. I always talk about needing space and time to think and be logical about things, and so far that is the best way to deal with all these things.

Sometimes making myself sparse is easier. I guess absence makes you want to talk to people, see them and be with them. I actually usually hate being alone with my thoughts, I just end up in a hole. A dark hole that I have dug around myself, one that no one can pull me out of except myself. I me “Go me!” for getting myself here, I am my own number one fan but sometimes it’s not all roses and sunshine.  Sometimes its heartache and gloomy clouds that are daunting.

I will be the last one standing in my life pushing myself to do more, and be more. I think I just have to wait it out for all the best things to come to me. When will life stop tearing me down? I can keep dreaming… mediocrity is easy to get pulled into. How can my life even be mediocre? I moved to England by myself and have been doing okay for a while.

to quote Avril Lavigne “Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe? somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed. I’d rather be anything but ordinary.” It’s  time now to keep pursuing that dream, chase it like my life depends on it.

xx Hailey

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