Time for someone who wants me.

June 28/16

I don’t pretend to know everything, but maybe I come off like that sometimes. I’m not so sure I should keep going… I will never have much of anything with Liam, I barely know him now as it is and I will be an ocean away soon enough. I don’t really fit into his life anyways. I have no idea what possesses me to even open my mouth with him at all.

I feel as though I’m never right, I need to be with a guy who won’t talk down to me and who will be around and listen. When will I meet a guy who loves me and will be 100% there when I need him, or even just want him? I need the guy who calls me because he misses me and because he wants to hold me. The guy that’s nearly impossible to find… I think maybe I’m asking too much but I refuse to settle.

It will be me and keep doing me on my own until the right guy comes along. I’ve done it before and I’m not sure how I’ve sunk into a clingy wreck but I won’t have it when I move home. The will be time limits and boundaries and rules, because this needs to stay in England. I need to let go of the nothing I keep believing is something.

I need to end the middle of the night visits, no more booty calls, games and holding out. The chips will fall where they will fall, I need to implement some standards for myself first. Love needs to be followed  or it’s really just a time to stop. Moving home will be the next chapter in my life. I will need to rely on my independence.

When I am back  in Canada I’m done with this no relationship garbage. I’m not ready for marriage or anything but I want to be with someone who only wants to be with me and is proud of me. I’m ready to be loved by someone who I fall in love with. I think I’m ready to try to trust someone, work on my damaged relationship skills and my trust issues. I need to learn to say “No, if you don’t want me I’ll find someone else who will.”  because life is too short for people who take you for granted and play the ” I want you but I don’t” game. Maybe it’s kind of fun, until someone gets hurt. It’s time for someone who sees something with me, that makes me special, special enough to hold onto…

xx Hailey


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