Thoughts are controlling

June 21/16

I thought I was less panicked about what I have with Liam but now being in the middle of a bipolar episode I’m back to being self conscious, doubting everything, wondering what reasons he has for not wanting to be with me. I wish I just knew… I wish I knew a lot of things really. He could have another girl to have fun with, there are loads of attractive girls in London, maybe it’s not easy to meet new people but he was happy and enjoying his life before I happened. I mean of course he doesn’t want to pass up an opportunity with me but maybe it would have been better served with someone with the same outlook on casual relationships, goals and end game strategy as well.

Let’s face it, I will never know why any of this is the way it is and I just need to move on from it… but if he’s worried about me getting in too deep why is he still here? So many questions and not a single answer whatsoever. I’m really not in a good place emotionally right about now. I have contemplated saying “if you don’t want this then there is the door” but then I think I will have regrets about being that way… it’s so hard for me not to get sad and angry and not be defensive.

One day soon I’ll just push him right out of my life because I let my bipolar win. I get that he doesn’t want to talk about it or have anything to do with it, but the worst part is that this is a relatively big part of my life… and I can’t just push it aside because it’s inconvenient.

I know it’s normal for anyone to just want no part, but it stings because it’s apart of me whether I like it or not. The is a normal response but it still hurts because it’s a part of me he automatically wants nothing to do with.

I’m probably going to get this for my whole life… guys don’t like mentally ill girls, they like stable girls… I’m honestly going to be alone forever… can’t trust guys, and then they make you feel isolated and honestly so alone. I suppose I expected that response from Liam, I just didn’t expect it to hurt so much. I know being in the middle of a bipolar episode is not helping but right now I feel like I can’t talk to him or tell him anything, I feel like he’s just brushing me off because I’m not his problem… I already feel alone.

xx Hailey

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