The bipolar struggle

June 20/16

Bipolar is always hard for me and I’m pretty confident that mine hinges on  anger, likely more than some other people. My anger comes from a deep dark place that I wish I could forget about mostly.

I am always right… I always go for guys who compartmentalize their lives and barely want me in the part I do fall into. Bipolar 50, me 0……. it’s not something you overcome, it’s something you manage, or try to forget you have because you hate it. So because I have yet to suffer from amnesia here I am trying to deal with my bipolar.

Liam said I don’t know him very well, and truthfully he doesn’t know a lot about me either. The violence I have inside me, I think I might be angry more than I am sad, angry about ridiculous things, things of no importance. I’m starting to see more and more parallels to my last relationship… and I’m scared and angry and upset.

I thought I had this whole bipolar thing figured out… I really don’t. This is just a sink hole for me, into the worst version of myself, the side no one will ever want to be with…

Apparently bipolar and anger do go hand in hand, of course they do… I’m not just having an anger management issue, I’m just having a mini bipolar episode that is fluctuating between depression, anger and irritation… Yay so attractive…. Not!

Maybe they leave because they are smart. Bipolar is running my life presently, like “No, I’m not running my body right now… it’s running me…” Like how do you explain that to people? How do you explain depression and anger and irritation and self-doubt to anyone at all? Medication can only do so much, it never goes away… just continues to affect my life in a way that makes me want to scream.

How do I get out? How do I even talk to my friends? How do I tell them I’m barely treading water without sounding needy, attention seeking, ridiculous… stupid…not suicidal? And I don’t even know what I need… I don’t want to run to someone with tears dripping down my face… I don’t run from my problems, I face them… I face my bipolar and my anxiety head on, by myself.

Other people can be sympathetic, of course they can, but they don’t know what to do for you… I know Liam wanted to be their for me when I had a panic attack at his flat while he was in another room but he probably wouldn’t have been helpful, he wouldn’t even know what was happening to me. He would probably worry and then it would only get worse. He knows better than to get involved anyways, the way everyone should know.

I know most people in my life/that know me believe I’m a stable well grounded person and that’s because they have never known what was going on inside for me, they have never see me while I’m having an episode, or didn’t notice I was having one because I do a good job at concealing my feelings when I feel like I need to. Almost no one knows the bipolar side of me, I hide it from everyone I can, I just shut down rather than crying, getting mad or freaking out. I’m getting tired of all of this… but this is my life… the rest of my life… the rest of my whole life… doomed to hate my real self. Hate the person I once was and still see glimpses of all the time. I don’t think I will ever be able to embrace my mental illness…

xx Hailey

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