Bipolar – the real raw deal

June 22/16

What can I say besides my life is a mess? Depression is normal, being sad is normal… I thought I would be better right now. As usual bipolar is running my life and here I was thinking I was doing so well… clearly not at all. I really am going to be single forever… bipolar is not cute… its annoying, and it ruins everything all the time.

Until now I have been so stable for so long (like a year or so) but now I feel like I’m relapsing, it’s getting pretty real for me right now. Crying fits, spur of the moment anger, it’s an emotional rollercoaster ride. No one wants to deal with bipolar… it ruins all sorts of relationships… I’m so volatile all the time… being alone should be second nature to me now because I fuck up all my relationships… maybe guys treat me like dirt because I’m such a nuisance and I just drive them to treat me like shit.

And I wonder why I’m single… it’s pretty obvious why. They all say the same things, and I never get any better… I still make the same mistakes over and over and over again… it’s so hard sometimes to see when the bipolar fit is just taking over, even though I am taking medication.

It just sucks having so little self-control… and there’s so much that just fogs my brain that usually is pretty clear and logical. One day when I’m like 40 I’m finally realize that it’s no use… bipolar will never get easier or better, and no one will understand until they experience one of my episodes and then decide to leave because no one wants to deal with the mood swings and the pain associated.

I don’t think bipolar is ever completely under control,  all it takes is a single pin drop to set you back after thinking you had gotten somewhere. it’s sad to think that no one can really truly understand unless they have it… if I told Liam that my bipolar is the reason I’m like that he wouldn’t understand why I can’t control it. This now is a slight progression from a few years ago when I was so upset and angry I called Caleb 75 times in a row because he wouldn’t pick up the phone and talk to me…. that is one of the most embarrassing things I can think of that I have ever done in my entire life… I’m so ashamed of myself for doing that, but I couldn’t help it and no one would understand why I did that. People won’t understand what happens to me when I’m sad, or mad or even the things I do when I’m manic sometimes… I’m ashamed of my actions when I was not yet medicated, but when I wasn’t medicated I can’t help but think that was the real me, unchanged by medication….

xx Hailey

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