Nowhere girl

June 19/16

On a spectrum where do I fall? Guys will like me, think I’m  hot, sleep with me but I’m not the girl they really want, I’m a sad excuse for the place holder girl, the one that serves as a place holder while guys wait for the right girl.

This is what I am realizing now, I don’t break up with guys, they leave me… there is no love, no feelings and nothing left. When do I stop being the nowhere girl and become the one girl…? The weather in London is echoing my feelings… of course it’s raining in London. I am basically certifiably depressed right now. Maybe moving back to Canada would be okay…… maybe leaving Liam would be healthier for me… Hannah seems to think it would.

I am beside myself right about now… I can see what I’m doing, I am seeking attention to make myself feel better. It’s not that my friends don’t understand, they understand perfectly. They can see how I should probably be looking for the right guy, not mainlining sex with someone who was done with me before we even started… just a slut, a slut for a guy that is semi with me just to sleep with me.

Why didn’t this just end as planned? Why am I a masochist and still left wondering why he’s still here with me? I thought he had planned an ending for us because it was a good time and it was enough for him. Like he was good with the time we had and was ready for it to be over and move on… I am a lost girl, nowhere to be found.

My life is like quicksand, swallowing me whole little by little. Feels a bit like I’m in Narnia or something. Emotional level – negative 3… I guess as long as were not at negative 10 we’re okay. I’m trying to while I’m pushing, maybe if I just quit pulling and let go entirely, maybe I’ll  put my feet back on the ground. I just feel like I’m going mental, like I know my bipolar has me in a stranglehold. Where it just hurts to live and breathe, not in a suicidal, just in a heart breaking kind of way. The kind other people with bipolar might be able to understand.We all need someone to lean on sometime, right? I know depression isn’t easy but I’m struggling to find a way out of this hole I’m sat in… bipolar is hard…

xx Hailey

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