Falling down the rabbit hole

June 18/16

I think I find it hard to trust guys… I don’t think Liam is doing things for me so I will have sex with him, but I wonder sometimes if I’m really the only one he’s seeing. I don’t really know what he does… but I know my past is making it hard to believe all the things he says all the time. I’m scared of there being someone else… but I already know I’m not enough for him.

I’ve been thinking about relationships lately and I’m not ready to grow up yet and think about being with someone forever… getting married sounds scary to me. I am so scared of being that girl who always gets fucked around… like I see guys who have these long-term relationships who want to have me naked, guys who I’ve trusted mess with my head and I’m scared this will happen in a never-ending cycle.

My insecurities always just eat at me… I like the wrong guys, have crushes on the wrong guys, and fall flat on my face because of all the wrong guys. I don’t know exactly what I want and I’m not sure I’m supposed to know. Time is not yet running thin on me, but I am caught between a rock and a hard place. When will I wake up and realize that Liam is not it for me, that he has another life plan that I don’t even remotely fit into…? Rational people would have never put themselves into a position like this.

Excuse the Alice in Wonderland references here but I feel like I’m just falling down the rabbit hole. I feel like I’m going mad, maybe not as mad as a hatter but insane enough. I’ve ducked out on my life and refuse to put it back together. Tippy toeing around my problems… I am quite smart but often times I can act quite dumb.

In the world of Snapchat and Tinder… I need a break from life for a while. The depression is starting to kick in for me now… bipolar, anxiety… I really am quite sad, not hysterically sad but I am sad enough. The bipolar, anxiety and even depression don’t hit me as much as they used to or as hard, but they are still there. I’m usually pretty good at loving myself but lately not so much, I can’t understand where life is taking me and why I feel so sad and lonely and needy. Please can someone tell me this is over?

xx Hailey

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