Guys make no sense

June 15/16

Last night I had Liam over, I had really missed him while I was home. It was strange for a while though, almost awkward ever and I was really nervous, I had to make an effort to kiss him, something that is usually so easy. But having him hold me just made me feel like we are so good right now. Subconsciously I know I am panicked about him leaving me to the point I have nightmares that seem real, but in the day I’m not that worried.

Last night he wouldn’t let go of me for a while, I have no idea what possesses him to hold me like that and not want to let me go. Like dude you want to let go, stop making it seem like you actually want me to be close to you… even if I really want you to hold me, pull me closer and have no desire to physically let go of me.

Why do his actions and his words tell such different stories? Why do you want me to stay after we have sex and just generally want me to stay over? The first time I stayed over at his flat he told me not to go home and he told me to stay…. Why am I clinging to him when there is hardly anything to cling to?

Just a guy who wants his space and freedom and has very little to offer me. All my answers are right there… I doubt I will ever learn. And here he is asking me if I have missed him because he likes hearing me say it even though he knows I did. We always ask each other questions we already know the answers to. Why does he need me to reaffirm that I have missed him? Like man, you don’t really miss me so why do you care if I miss you or not, it’s not like you’re really into me or anything.

I want so badly to be in his head to understand why he does these thing. I want to make sense of this even though I never will be able to. He’s so cryptic all the time and I’m lost in outer space. Love isn’t logical but when you are not in love you can think clearly so I don’t get it unless he is straight up thinking solely with his dick.

He knows I know what he likes and I’m good at it as he has told me in the past (he said I am the best he’s had). I’ve never been this good with other guys but I suppose that I have picked up some skills here and there. It’s really weird he can make me twitch like no one else has, and I know his sweet spots. I hate having to wait to figure guys out and wait until they figure me out. I have him down and he’s pretty much got me too minus a few things.

xx Hailey


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