The scars are pretty deep

July 20/16

I’m at odds with myself, I know Liam is becoming a bad thing for me, I am taking a step back and realizing first hand that he’s not really here, when I’m in a rough place he’s helpful in person but it’s hard to have any kind or relationship with someone who neglects you. Even as friends I can’t have someone who won’t reply to me.

This has become one-sided to the point of breaking. I have a tough decision to make, although he’s kind of making it for me. He’s talked about when he finds someone else, he’s ready and that’s my decision already made honestly… this doesn’t change how I feel about him or how I feel about the next things, in some ways this has served me and in others it hasn’t served me at all.

It shouldn’t matter what he does, or doesn’t do because I have myself, bipolar or not. Do I think bipolar loves me so much it strangles me? Yes I do, and misery loves company and that company happens to be anxiety. I have dealt with this for years. How am I here if it weren’t an uphill battle? Where would I be without my battles?

Sometimes it’s easy and other days it’s hard to even breathe let alone do anything else. I can’t even work on myself because having bipolar negates making real progress. I move one step forward and three steps back always. Bipolar is the background music to my life and sometimes the volume is so loud it trumps everything else going on.

I have made progress from three years ago because I have moderate amounts of control most of the time, and I don’t have as many outbursts. Also I’m not psycho and pull ridiculous stunts anymore. I also have  a level of control about certain situations and being able to abandon them instead of fighting them. I have a place in my own head that medication helps me to achieve.  It allows me to have barriers in my mind that I never was able to set before I was on medication for my bipolar.

I still wonder who the hell I am, and what parts of me are real… if I have personalities. Most days I wonder if I’m stable and sane. It’s a terrible thing to wake up and wonder if you’ll get up, if you’ll be productive, if you’ll have a bad day.

I want to summon all of my strength and tell Liam this is not even working for me on a friendship level. I’m not filler, although my bipolar is a real threat to all of my relationships. I’ve been conditioned to think I’m not good enough, that everything I do is wrong, to take all the negative things to heart because that’s what three and a half years of negativity feels like.

The compartmentalization, hiding relationships, being told there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. Being told I’m not lovable, that I don’t deserve respect or to be loved. That I deserve to be broken and discarded. I honestly believed I was ready to work on my issues with someone who I trust but apparently I’m not. Baggage is my middle name and not because I moved so far from home. I have a solid foundation of hurt and nothingness. I don’t think I can do relationships anymore…

xx Hailey

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Find myself to be myself

July 19/16

There are words that are just sticking in my mind like glue… I’m thinking about my situation with Liam and I sort of know what his reaction will look like if I say this is the end of us. I know what will happen if I say I need you out of my life, he will be happy for me that I made a decision to get hurt less and he will leave my life no questions asked.

Knowing that makes my head spin and apparently it also gives me panic attacks and paralysis and crying all at once. I suppose it’s going to take a while to let this go. My heart is pounding and breathing is a chore. I’m really tired now, I’m dizzy, anxiety attacks are work… work I forgot about. I’m sad and tired and my body is weak.

I’m giving myself this week to figure out my shit, on my own. I need to push my emotions and find myself and where I stand. I can plan stuff and let myself be myself for a while, no distractions. I’m sticking to this plan, I have me and that’s all I should need. I know I’ll never fully love myself but I’m still here for myself.

xx Hailey

Irritated by just about everything

July 18/16

I’m tired and irritated, this heat makes my feelings worse. I’m annoyed I keep telling my friends my situation but it’s like they never actually hear me. Riley is saying I should move on from my past but I did that a long time ago… like two years ago. Then Hannah thinks that I’m somehow going to make an extra £1200 from somewhere. Like I’m going to make enough to live, not spend £1200  on one single holiday that only lasts three days, Tomorrowland is so expensive.

I don’t have any certainty about what the next year of my life looks like and it’s hard for me. I feel like my friends can’t understand, like Hannah thinks I’ll find a design job out of the blue and get a higher salary… that’s so hard to do, London is so competitive. If only life were so easy to just have it all, the guy, the job, the apartment/house. Wouldn’t it be amazing if life just worked like that… it just doesn’t.

I’ll be lucky to know what the next six months look like, let alone a year.One year has changed my entire life. Even Liam kind of wants me to stay. And I don’t know what to do to get what I want anymore., it all seems very out of reach. All of it, my career, relationships, moving out permanently, travelling. I can barely control my emotions, everything after that is just a nightmare.

I just want my life to work out after all the nonsense… too much to ask as per my usual. Always trying to get further, but obviously the hard way. At least I have some kind of job now, and it’s salary and I will be sitting at a desk instead of on my feet all day. But Liam continues this texting nonsense, he barely messages me back, when he does it’s like the next day… a text takes like five seconds… how are we even friends if you can’t even talk to me? And about simple things that are not even deep conversations… I’m so frustrated right now by the people in my life right now. My bipolar is filled with frustration, irritation and annoyance by small insignificant things… again yay for being a bloody bipolar mess…

xx Hailey

A really bad day to have bipolar

July 17/16

It’s safe to say yesterday which was Saturday was a complete disaster… nothing went as planned. No Scotch Eggs from Scotchtails in Borough Market, my feet have blisters because I’m not that smart and wore sandals into central London, lunch was fair at best, Riley cancelled on me, I couldn’t find a nice shirt for my new job. And into the evening Alex and Luke didn’t come back until late, my favourite Playstation game I had specifically brought back from Canada wasn’t in its case (the story about the game is kind of funny, me and Liam were talking about video games and we found out we both love one of the same games growing up, I still have my copy, well I do somewhere in Canada). I have learned I’m pretty awful at darts, I kept missing the board, and the worst thing was I starting bawling my eyes out at Liam… what a fucking awful day!

Liam and I were talking about us and stopping what we are doing together, then he was saying I’ll just find someone else and all of a sudden I was in tears… about my bipolar ruining all of my relationships. He cuddled me and held me and said that I’m being silly because he’s so damn English like that, and told me that I shouldn’t cry. I was almost inconsolable, my bipolar had horrible effects on my last relationship, and those scars are still there after all this time, and even after I moved on ages ago and now having feelings for Liam. Sometimes those wounds feel brand new, or re-cut open, and like someone threw salt into them and rubbed.

Liam said that my bipolar has had no effect  on how he feels about me, and that someone will love me for me, with my bipolar… I still struggle to believe that because of all the stuff I went through with Caleb about three years ago. Caleb made me feel like I was alone with my bipolar, I feel like Liam actually tries to understand my situation even thought I really didn’t think he would. Liam is nice, and he cares about my feelings. He tells me how he can barely see my bipolar and that my ex is a jerk, which he was at the time.

I’m pretty sure I won’t find anyone like him again, no one that is as patient and understanding as he is. Liam treats me like I deserve to be loved, I love him because he treats me like that and cares about me, he wants the best outcome for me in my life. I can’t believe I trust him as much as I do, or let him see the raw, bipolar parts of me that I hide from everyone else. I love him in a unique way, I feel like I have never loved anyone in the way I love him, not that I love him more, it’s just different.

xx Hailey

I hate to say it

July 15/16

Liam and I went out for a nice dinner to that little Italian place in Covent Gardens where we went on our first actual date. I love drinking with him because he lets me  get away with more relationship esque stuff, like holding his arm, kissing him more in public and hugging him. He really isn’t into PDA, to be honest neither am I but when I’m with him I do want to be somewhat affectionate and when I’m drink it comes through more.

I love it when I kiss his cheek and then he pulls me into him to actually kiss me properly. Sometimes this thing we have can be sort of romantic, even if  that word makes me cringe. Saturday will be so much fun, I can’t wait. I wish I could have slept with Liam tonight, sometimes the alcohol makes the sex better, and sometimes kissing too.

The way he holds my hand when we walk together through London is such a good feeling. I wish he could see the potential we can have the way I do, the way we could work together.I really hate saying “I wish we were together” but it’s how I feel.

Maybe I will meet someone at my new job… I hope I do because loving Liam is pointless and I need someone who is capable of loving me back. I’m so into Liam it’s hard to even see other guys… I don’t paint him to be amazing, he’s a little amazing by himself. I still feel like whatever girl gets to keep him is a lucky girl, and I wish that girl was me.

xx Hailey

I concede

July 13/16

I concede, I will never understand Liam, I can’t be in his head. I’m clearly depressed, I can tell even though its being repressed by my medication. I can tell because I cry too easily, I don’t care that much about sex, I’m not happy and I don’t feel my best. I feel like I’m either not myself or I am my most real self. I am losing parts of me… parts that I can’t distinguish from being myself or not.

I think bipolar makes you wonder more deeply about yourself because the medication masks who you are underneath and you don’t know what you are or who you are. Having bipolar that you are treating with medication is such a hard relationship to have within yourself because you don’t know if who you are without it is closer to yourself or if the medicated person you are now is more true to yourself.

It’s hard knowing that I will never know, going on my medication again is not going to solve for X, it’s just throwing myself into a spiral really. I’ve tried living unmedicated and it was honestly pretty terrible, the person I am when I’m not treating my bipolar is not someone I am proud of, but rather a person I am ashamed of. There are massive differences between me now versus then. Going off my medication is like setting a time bomb, waiting to experience my emotions full-out the way I used to, with no control switch. To be my wild and free self, and by wild and free I mean out of control.

I’m starting to think I should try a different drug or add another drug in to stabilize my emotions. I am mostly stable I think, but my moods are a bit heavier now, I feel more deeply, like too much – overboard. I want to have that control again, be in the driver’s seat. I feel like lately I’m just constantly reeling myself in. As though having control is some kind of dream.

I just feel like cuddling with Liam, I want to be close to him without sleeping with him. I want his affection because it will make me feel better. I am difficult with him in bed because I’m depressed, and I just want to be wanted, really wanted. I know my bipolar will never be good in any relationship, it will only bury it alive.

I’m glad he is willing to let my argument slide, its hard for me to explain to people without sounding like I’m using my mental illness to my advantage. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself but sometimes it’s the only one I have… will it ever not be my reason for lashing out at people in my life? It’s kind of a crutch sometimes, I wish I could just get rid of bipolar and anxiety and live a relatively normal life where my emotions don’t go crazy, and where me being in control is more consistent.

xx Hailey

July 11/16

It’s interesting for me to hear Riley tell me I am too into Liam, I’ve thought about it but I think it’s hard to be rational when bipolar comes into play. I have this moment to sit and think, I can see how sometimes I get hung up on him, and it sort of deteriorates from me, my confidence, my sense of self, and my ability to stand on my own two feet.

I got to where I am now on these two feet and I should look deeper inside myself and rediscover myself, my drive, my independence. I think I have already started, I went out on my own on Saturday and I enjoyed myself, by myself. I spent my entire day on my own and I owned it. Moving forward to today, today and yesterday I have taken a time out because I might start to lose me again and that’s sad.

I am who I am for a reason and there is no reason for me to lose myself again, been there, mastered that chapter of my life. I’m no seasoned pro, bipolar sucks me in sometimes and into things that are not in my life to build me up. Sometimes I forget who I am because bipolar can be a stranglehold and sometimes I forget to fight back even though sometimes I win.

People tell me I’m mentally strong all the time, and I know I am buried down there, I just have to reach down deep enough. I remember now the girl who got over her greatest and first love and moved on, the girl who worked toward goals and moved to England on her own. I have that inside me, I just ned to pull it out. I’m too quick to run my emotions, but they tend to run rampant on me.

I don’t feel in control, like most people who can control their emotions easily. I worry if I blame bipolar too much and this is actually just me to blame. It’s a hard inner battle and it goes on all the time in another train of thought, especially the one that tries to rationalize things as they occur. My brain doesn’t like the rules and lashes out in my mind than out loud. Where do you go with people after you lash out at them for no good, sane reason? I suppose I will find out in a few days…

xx Hailey

A vivid dream

July 10/16

I woke up this morning after having the strangest dream. I dreamt that I was sitting in a coffee shop with Caleb, and we were talking about my life right now as if we were best friends again. I woke up thinking it was real, as real as life itself. It seriously has freaked me out, I’m not sure if it’s just an insane dream or a sign of some kind.

Sometimes I sort of miss us, miss being able to talk to him about everything, miss being that close as friends. It’s weird because I loved him so much and he stabbed me in the back. I never understood why he did that to me and now continues to follow  what I do on Facebook… I don’t see the point, it’s been three years, we don’t speak to one another and it’s sort of disappointing at the end of the day. Sometimes I miss the man I dated… sometimes, not often but sometimes I wonder if I could ever forgive him so we could be friends now… three years later.

The dream I had was so vivid, more vivid than any other dream I’ve ever had in my life. We were sitting in a coffee shop in the comfy chairs that are low to the ground, I think we were in Coffee Culture which is a coffee shop near where I used to live in Canada. He was wearing jeans, and t-shirt and Nikes like he used to wear when we dated. I was wearing jeans, a nice tank top and sandals.

We spoke about what is going on in my life right now in real life, and the crazy part is it was like I never left, and he never really changed and things were as they were when we were together minus the relationship bit. It was like time passed for me but didn’t pass as much for him; maybe it’s because I have changed so much and done so much and I have no idea what has happened for him over the past three years in real life.

I have no idea if this has some potential meaning for me. I feel like now would be an excellent time to go see a psychic, maybe I could get some insight into  all the things weighing on my mind, things I can’t see myself. Maybe on Thursday I’ll talk to Liam about stuff and this crazy dream and see if he thinks anything of it. He’ll probably just say “who knows” or that it’s just a dream. Oh well, let it slide for the time being, maybe things will become more clear later.

xx Hailey

It’s been a while

July 9/16

I have five million thins on my mind… which is semi-normal. My emotions  are on high – I almost cried on the train into London, which is still on my list of things I don’t do. I tried to explain myself without being aggressive, since my first instinct is that I’m right and that I should fight. That’s the thing, I don’t want it to be a fight, I just want to have a conversation, but that would just be too easy.

I tried to explain to Liam that my bipolar runs my life sometimes but he doesn’t get it… and why would he get it? He’s not in my position. I’m upset he said that I obsess over him, it actually hurts… like he threw a knife at my heart and just missed by a little. I know I can be a handful, and I will never have real love because of my bipolar. If he really hates my bipolar he should just walk away because I don’t need people who won’t support me when I’ve dug myself into a hole that I’m struggling to get out of on my own.

I hate that bipolar defines my life and that I don’t know myself very well because I am mentally ill. I try not to use it as a crutch but it’s challenging because its such a dominant part of who I am. If he really cares about me he would see that. He can’t relate but he doesn’t realize that sometimes he says things that hurt me, because I don’t have a lot of control over my emotions, it’s just a part of having bipolar.

I don’t like thinking I obsess over him because my bipolar makes me obsessive and sad, and angry and irritated and sometimes exceptionally happy and excited. I really don’t know what to do now. He thinks I’m obsessive and crazy, and all I can do is be sad that he sees melike that. All I wanted was to see him… and all I got was hurt… and sad, sad that he didn’t have the desire to come see me. I am not going to beg him, I asked him because I wanted to see him. One minute it’s because of work, the next because of a hangover… I feel like he’s just lying to me about one or the other… it really sucks.

I don’t really see why Alex thinks we could be so great together… we are not getting along at all lately and Liam doesn’t have time for me. I’m consistently low on his priorities list. I want to know why he even likes me, what is making him keep me if it’s not a big deal if I move home to Canada and if this ended he wouldn’t even care that it ended. I want to know why he wants to take me to dinner.

Damn right I’m going to read into this because it’s been over four months. That’s ridiculous, this whole think started five months ago… that’s a long time for what was supposed to be a fling. It’s hard to think about now, almost half a year has gone by. This was never supposed to last and here I am causing problems five months later.

So many things have happened in the last few months that no wonder I’m having crazy bipolar episodes. My sex drive was super high and my emotions were not so erratic, and now my sex drive is low and I feel sad and angry and irritable. I just miss being cuddled, and kissed and I mean really kissed not a peck. Mostly probably because I need those happy endorphins because my brain isn’t creating them on its own. I miss things that make me happy…

xx Hailey

Emotions can be paralyzing

July 8/16

So as the days go by I am just getting more and more frustrated with Liam… like sure,  make time for everything but me… a couple of weeks ago he said he didn’t have any commitments this weekend. And then last weekend he said he could see me Saturday, then on Wednesday he said he could see me on Sunday and now he’s saying only a couple of hours Saturday or Sunday… I’m so frustrated I’m crying.

I’ve been trying so hard this past week to be positive but it’s just wearing off. I’m so annoyed I’m shaking… I’ve tried so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt but I’m so annoyed and mad… I’m getting mad and I keep asking myself why I feel this way. We’re not together and he has no need to spend time with me, I’m like always an after thought.

I’m so done and I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again but I don’t know, things need to change or I should abandon this. I feel like I’m just going to walk away from him with tears rolling down my face but continue to do it because I’m just that hurt. I don’t like people who blow me off, sometimes I honestly feel like saying “fuck you”.

It’s probably true that we are a nightmare together. I am more frustrated  and earlier I was paralyzed… my emotions are so strong sometimes that they can literally be paralyzing. He replies to me the next day a lot and my anger and frustration are making my blood boil because I’m tired of being the last person he feels like he wants to spend time with.

The worst part is I will never not have this problem, bipolar is forever… relationship or not. Fuck bipolar, fuck me, fuck it all! Why am I even so mad? I have a stupid boy who doesn’t want me, doesn’t miss me, doesn’t even care if I move back to Canada. But then he’s going to take me out to dinner on Thursday, honestly can’t understand him to save my life.

When will that moment come when I’m just over this and can tell him no thanks? Being done with all of this would be nice. Emotions put in the trash, cruel bitch can come out to play because I need to be harder and stop getting hurt.

xx Hailey