I don’t want to talk about it anymore

May 27/16

Liam has basically said it’s over in not so many words, I just cried and thought to myself why do these things always happen to me? And at the worst times…? Like “No, I don’t want to go home sad because you broke me two days before… Thanks…” I’m not interested in having a conversation about it… I don’t even feel like speaking to him at all right now really… we have exhausted this conversation about a decade ago.

How can we go away for the weekend together and have fun when I know it’s ending…? How am I supposed to be happy when I am having my heart-broken in front of me? I have no idea how to handle this, I mean I knew the day would come. But what I didn’t know was how he would handle ending this, and so far I would say poorly. I had thought he wouldn’t drag this out and that when he knew he would just tell me. But so far he has pushed it aside and says we will talk about it later… right… later.

It doesn’t even need to be a hard conversation, just “Look, this doesn’t serve me anymore.”  I may not take it exceptionally well but at least you were honest with me, which actually means a lot even in this context. he didn’t have to come sleep with me even though he knew that he was planning this… that hurts, and it burns a little because it means he really doesn’t care if I’m just a quick fuck now.

I had faith that he would walk away in a way that I wouldn’t be able to be mad about, i would be upset in any scenario, but like now I feel like I don’t mean jack shit… so much for doing this properly. Why is it that at the end of these relationships I always walk away feeling like no one gives a single fuck about me? They can never make it a clean break, that is as nice as it can be. There is always something… something to deteriorate the trust i have for them.

drunkenness doesn’t get a pass either, I swear it’s like “How badly do I want to fuck this up? … hmm, enough that she will not have any trust in me anymore.” How can you salvage a relationship when the other person makes you doubt them? I don’t think it’s necessary to take advantage of the situation like that. All I ever wanted was for him to tell me when it was over for him and to me it’s clear that it was before Monday and he consciously slept with me despite knowing he was going to end this… not great.

He’s just stalling because we’re going away for the weekend together… stupid me for not just going alone and then I wouldn’t be spending two days with the guy who is going to break my heart… silly me for thinking “Oh this will be fun.” And it probably won’t be much fun at all… I don’t know how I will be able to be in the same room as him, let alone spend two days with him and be forced to listen to some stellar reasons why this is happening, even though I don’t want to know. I’d rather not know, not talk about it not cry in public and not ruin myself in front of him anymore…

 xx Hailey

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