If there’s no sparks

May 25/16

I love him to pieces and those big blue eyes of his are as piercing as mine are. I still want to hold on because I’m still not prepared for not being able to kiss him and snuggle with him. But I don’t want to be fooled either. I don’t want Liam to fake having a good time with me if he’s not into it.

If there are no sparks for him then my sparks burn out. I am hoping I can keep him longer because I need him to cuddle me and as I am in England and only know a few people and I only have a few friends it will be very hard without him around. He is a big part of my life in the UK even if we aren’t together. It’s not going to be easy to walk into his arms and only be able to hug him.

I feel like we have a connection, I could feel it the day we went to Regent’s Park when we both went to kiss each other at the same time, as if we had agreed on it or something. It just felt too perfect for some reason, even like maybe we knew it wasn’t quite time for this to end. But it still baffles me that he wanted to kiss me at all even though he had set an end date.

I mean something must have changed for him to go back on what he said. And that is one thing I don’t think he did to spare my feelings. I have so many good memories that I wouldn’t have without him, even from the beginning when we were supposed to talk about this situation and we just ended up in bed together, cuddling and kissing. And the night he was so against dancing but I made him dance and he actually had fun.

The night we went to the Shard and The Madison Rooftop Bar, #worthit! The night we went to Sky Garden on a Monday night finally after I had been dying to go for about two months. On the way home from Sky Garden even though I was pretty drunk I had a panic attack on the train back to his flat and he moved seats to sit beside me and hold me while it was happening.

The night we went on a date to Covent Gardens for dinner and it was perfect from beginning to end. The night I went out dancing with Julia and Lauren and I was so upset that he didn’t come out even though he had said he would.  After I left Soho on my way home when I got to Bromley he convinced my to come over instead of going home. He made me talk to him about why I was upset. He held onto me and wanted me to talk to him about it even though I didn’t really want to.

The night we went to Riley’s Sports Bar and some random guy was hitting on me and for some reason I got really upset about it and start crying at Liam while we were walk to Victoria Station. He had stopped walking to faced me, he wiped the tears that were streaming down my face and told me I’m cute even in a hood (because he hates hoods, and it was raining because it’s London) and he kissed me to make me feel better.

The looks he gives me sometimes with those big blue eyes of his just control me. I’m completely helpless when he uses those on me, and I’ve always loved his faux hawk as fluffy as it may be. He’s so charming and gentlemanly, he is the epitome of cute and sweet. Whoever said nice guys finish last never met Liam, the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. I will hug him and kiss him goodbye at the end because he has made my life better by just being in it. As much as I want him to be with me it won’t make him happy. I’m already jealous of whatever girl gets to keep him. He deserves to ge what he wants, even if it doesn’t involve me at all…

xx Hailey


2 thoughts on “If there’s no sparks

    1. h_fox

      This happened back in May and a lot has changed since then, I will get to the most recent pages of my journal eventually which will tell all sorts of stories about what’s happened since. We have ended things on a sour note to say the least. If you keep up with my blog you’ll find out 🙂 I’m alright now though but that day was rough because there were discussions about what happens to us now.


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