So many feelings….

May 7/16

Feelings… feelings… and more feelings…ugh. I feel pretty done with my life right about now. I’m really hurting and I’m being torn in all different directions and I hate all of them equally… as you do when life gives you new challenges.

I am supposed to be strong, a fighter… not too sure what happened to that girl, that determined, driven girl that moved 5,700 km from home because I thought I could better myself. And with Liam it’s all just crumbling in front of me and I’m working really hard not to cry when I’m just shutting down inside. When I feel like my emotions are overwhelming me sometimes I just shut down, and can hardly function because I can’t manage them, so instead I deny all of them and end up in overload.

Maybe I should just give up, like he’s tearing me apart already as it is. As if I need anymore bad luck. I know when we are done I’m going to miss everything about this relationship we have had… the way he hugs me, the way he pulls me in to cuddle me while he’s still sleeping and just waking up, the way he looks at me and the way he can just magically make me feel better about everything going on in my life including the way I’m handling my bipolar. He makes me feel better when I feel like everything is falling to pieces through my fingers… I will miss him brushing my hair, how silly and comfortable we are with each other and also all the good times we’ve shared. It’s really sad when you feel like you just fit so well together but for some reason they don’t see the same thing as you and there is a rift. A rift you can’t begin to fix.

I love how when we first met in December I thought he was kind of weird and I really wasn’t that interested in him at the time, but then mysteriously we ended up sleeping together on a regular basis… relationships are just so weird. I’m pretty sure things changed for me the night we went to that awful bar on the Cut near Waterloo Station with work. That was the first time I really spoke to him, and because we were a bit drunk we high-fived, and hugged for some reason, I don’t really remember why.

I used to think Liam was quiet and awkward because he was the only person in our office that would basically never speak to me. Oh how things can change. Also funny that he once thought I was like psycho… not sure if I come off that way…?

Things changed again the night before we went to the Shard, I was out with Riley in Greenwich and Liam told me a guy from work was leaving the company and that was his last day. I went to Waterloo Station to go say goodbye but everyone had left, but Liam met me at Waterloo Station by himself. He asked me if I would like to come back to his flat with him, I said yes of course.

We sat down on his couch and a had a conversation that goes something like this “I am genuinely interested in sleeping with you, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you at any point in time”. I had said I would “think about it” at the time, it was late and I would have had a difficult time getting home so I slept at his place and I forgot that I was supposed to think about what a casual relationship looks like for me and skipped to the part where I decided I just wanted him in that moment… I just didn’t care, I wanted him so badly.

And now just when I thought this was actually the end we manage to kiss each other at the exact same time, as though we knew that we both wanted to. It really just kills me that we can be so in sync with each other sometimes without realizing it. I honestly don’t know  what to do now… I’m so tangled up in him I can’t tell the ceiling from the floor… whether up is down and down is sideways. I can’t stop thinking how even just the way he smiles, or smirks at me just tears me apart… I’m just so done right now…

xx Hailey

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