Playing with fire

May 22/16

Playing with fire and hoping for a miracle. As if my life is not interesting enough already I can keep hoping that no matter when, how or why this Liam thing ends that I will be graceful in the way I handle it, and that I can find a way to handle it that we can still be good friends. Friends last longer than lovers anyways.

Love doesn’t always have to be sexual, it can just be caring and being there for someone when they need you. Spending time together because you have a good time together and you just gel together. I think I need him in my lifelike that, to remind me to be wild and spontaneous and day drink and run around London at 3 PM on a Wednesday. Who doesn’t need someone like that in their life?

I have honestly only met one other person like that in my life and we are not friends anymore. But when we were friends we did the craziest things for fun and it was always fun. Life can be mind numbingly dull without that one friend, that one friend who laughs at you but with you, who takes the piss out of you because it brings them joy – but not in a nasty kind of way, the friend who convinces you to embrace your wild, in my case wilder side. The kind of friends who won’t leave you alone when your feeling shitty. And the kind of friends that love you and want the best for you.

I’m confident he can be kind of person in my life. I hope he will be because its tragic losing someone you care about for no good reason, I would know, I’ve lost so many people in my life over stupid insignificant things. All he has done is be nice to me, try to understand me and my bipolar and help me and be there for me when things haven’t been great with my bipolar. The least I can do is return the favour. We can get there at some point. I’m just left wondering now if maybe he is fully ready to let go of us… I’m not but I’m not sure I ever will get to a place where I will be. I guess it’s that thing where you give someone else control because you just don’t want the options available to you. I’ll let him pilot and I can coast through whatever comes next.

xx Hailey


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