One weird night and so much bipolar

May 20/16

It is Friday now, I have had the most emotionally unstable week ever… Monday was my birthday which was amazing. Tuesday was my final day in Paris and I did a lot of travelling, from Paris Gare du Nord to St. Pancras and then to Croydon and then home. Wednesday I played catch up after being on holiday for five days. Wednesday night I met up with Liam and Alex at a bar in London, they call it the unofficial student bar. Craziest night ever doesn’t really begin to explain it.

I got a little more drunk than I had intended to get and managed to talk to them about threesomes and if that wasn’t bad enough I was talking about having one… with Liam and Alex… now that I started us on a path of no return I added to the nonsense and ended up on Alex’s lap while Liam was feeding me because I was smashed, and so were they. Alex and I ended up singing together for no reason other than being completely drunk. Alex and I are friends now though lol. Somehow there are photos on my phone of the three of us… weirdest night ever?

We all walked to their house at about 1 AM and went to bed at about 3:30 AM. Neither one of them went to work the next day hahaha. I think because Liam and I were just so drunk we just went at each other when we went to bed, like ripping clothes off, kissing each other like we were going to die, some serious french kissing which is unusual for us.

When we try to french kiss it almost never works out, and ends up being really awkward but when we are drunk it’s so easy. It was kind of odd… I was really drunk and there wasn’t as much sensation as there usually is but it was very all-encompassing in a strange way. maybe it has to do with the alcohol too… but it was very lust filled teenager esque in that “I want you right now” kind of way.

I guess sometimes we just gel with no hindrances… maybe its to do with the kind of relationship we have. I think our relationship is pretty laid back mostly… Although Liam may disagree with me. I feel like I’m just in limbo with him now… this is very different to any other relationship I have had previously. I love him and I want him but I’m not sure I’m in love, I feel like I can’t really tell anymore. I’m in a place that is new to me… I really like him and I have days where I don’t want to let go of him and I’ll be horribly clingy and text him all day, and other days I can separate him out of my day entirely.

Having bipolar is like rocket science, you never know if you have the right equation… or if everything will blow up in your face. It’s a constant battle with myself, I just can’t win. When I was with Caleb everything was always fuelled by my bipolar, being medicated changes things, I have a capacity to be more logical  about some of my overwhelming feelings. I can manage them on my own and sort my feelings out without involving the people around me  or I can block the feelings out for a while to hide them from people. Bipolar and anxiety are my issues, there is no reason why I should involve other people in my problems. My battle with bipolar is for me to deal with.

Last night was my birthday dinner with Liam, it was good at first… and then it became a train wreck. When I was at London Bridge Station going to catch a train home I started crying without a sound. The tears running down my face while I was silent walking through the station from the underground… in public… I don’t do crying in public… but I was so upset that I couldn’t stop myself from letting the tears run.

I felt like this is what I get, on the one night that I’m supposed to enjoy myself and have fun, there I was with tears running down my face and trying so hard to stop myself. As much as I want to appreciate last night I couldn’t appreciate it at all. I was almost in tears at dinner but I held myself back because I can’t stand crying in public. Here is Liam being so sweet and taking me out to a nice dinner for my birthday and I was just so upset I couldn’t enjoy it whatsoever. I just felt like shit, from midway through dinner until I went to sleep in tears… I really had thought we were done with that conversation… the topic of us ending this and me moving just makes me shut down inside.

I have to almost regain my balance inside myself. But the whole thing just makes me want to push him away because it hurts… to string myself up now or to do it later (metaphorically speaking). But I’m so mad, upset, conflicted, confused and frustrated all at once. After last night I need some space… I’m just hurt. I woke up in the middle of the night in tears and I could hardly breathe… I am so unbelievably done with this… can someone make decisions for me from now on?

xx Hailey


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