He kissed me first

May 21/16

I’m going home to Canada in a little more than a week. It’s kind of strange to be going home after being in England for the last seven and a half months. I guess time waits for nothing, it just continues if you are ready or not. I had hoped my situation would be better right now, I need to be more focused on finding a job here so I can stay in London. I’m a bit manic about it. Time always feels compressed, the worst part is that I feel like I’m not done here yet.

I was planning on being here another year or maybe 2 so I can travel more, plus I just love London. We don’t always get what we want though. I don’t want my dream to end just yet. I’m hoping and praying for a small miracle.

And i get to go home to a home I don’t know… life has become so complicated so quickly… I wish I could just walk away from it all. Worst coping skills ever on my part. I’m not ready to deal with adult problems. Kate is probably right that I’m acting more like a university student than the adult I happen to be. I am an adult whether I like it or not.

Proper financial problems, proper relationship issues, ie. I don’t really have one… but instead I have a non-boyfriend boyfriend. On that topic I have yet to gain clarity… and I feel drained from trying to step back and understand. Maybe he’s going to step back because he’s not in it. Maybe he’s pushing me back and maybe my late birthday gift will actually be the end of whatever we have.

These things do happen to me for some reason. I will let him leave me in Cambridge if it were to happen. I’m still upset from Thursday… I’m sure he assumes that I’m fine, but I’m not fine. I’m hurt and I feel like he’s so okay with us just ending. I don’t think he cares either way about our romantic relationship for lack of a better term. It’s like “Oh its cool, I’ll just find some other girl soon anyways.”

It will only actually be sad for me because I’m the one who opened myself up and let this get out of hand. I’m sure Kate is right, and I’m looking at the situation with rose-coloured glasses even though I told myself I’d never get so wrapped up in my feelings that I start glazing over all the red flags as though they don’t exist. Last time I was blinded by my love for Caleb, and found it hard to believe he would ever do those sorts of things to me. I felt so betrayed, this time i can’t do that because Liam isn’t my boyfriend and he said he would tell me when he is ready to be with someone else.

Sometimes I just cry because it’s hard knowing we are doomed. I honestly don’t get it, like if I’m so much fun why don’t you want to hold onto someone you have so much fun with…? If I had half as much fun with my ex our relationship would have been much better.

My relationship with Liam is completely nonsense. Asking me to let go now is like asking me to give back pie I’ve already taken a bite of…. we all know where that goes. You will never know what you don’t have, but when you have had and you know the difference and there is no going back. he never said let’s just be friends, he just kissed me and let me kiss him back….

xx Hailey


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