The end – or so I thought

April 30/16

The proverbial end has come, the end that I have been dreading for months, hoping something might change between us, not that it ever would have. I’m not crying, not exactly sure why I’m not crying or how. I love him and I want him and now I can finally say that, admit it to myself. But maybe I have figured out that it’s just ridiculous, he is never going to love me, never going to want to date me and never be the guy that wants all of me in my entirety.

As much as I love him there is nothing I can do if he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. Who wants to be with someone who simply doesn’t love them anyways? My love for him will not make up for the fact that he just doesn’t love me.

Here I am falling right back into my old ways… loving the wrong guy (mind you Liam is a sweetheart), helping a guy who will never change his mind about me as great as I may be. I guess some things never change… I give the people I love everything I possibly can give and it’s just never enough. I am always after some guy I can’t really have, maybe I love the chase or I’m just blatantly stupid.

I’m independent and I will be alright despite feeling like the universe is ending sometimes… that’s what bipolar is for, to make you think the world is caving in on you suddenly. The timing of this was very poor, after getting let go from my job. And what did I expect? Him to just integrate me into his life? What a lie I tell myself.

I seem to love the guys that compartmentalized their entire lives so everything is separated neatly. I must be doing something wrong to always get the “I like you, but I don’t really want you” mind games. Like the girlfriend a guy has right before he finds the girl he wants to marry in a hypothetical situation. My life seems somewhat cyclical… and always the same…

Despite any sadness I feel, I helped him pack everything in his flat, disassembled his bed and take everything out of his flat. My feelings aside I’m sure he will be quite happy to move on and live with the guys, “being a lad” as it were. My feelings for him have always been irrelevant really… but he honestly thought I would cry over him, and was disappointed to hear that I didn’t shed a tear which makes no sense at all. After I helped him pack up everything from his flat and put it in a moving van he hugged and kissed me goodbye like he actually meant it and said we would see each other later on this week. I still don’t know how I feel about this situation or really how to process it.

xx Hailey


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