One thing at a time and one day at a time. I have an interview tomorrow which I am praying goes well. Life in London is fast pace. Yesterday was so much fun. I met Liam for lunch near Bank Station and after we finished lunch he decided to sporadically take the afternoon off work.
We spent our afternoon drinking because It’s England and day drinking is acceptable. We proceeded to go to Regent’s Park and sat on the grass under a tree and talked about us, and had a cuddle. Our relationship is beyond complicated and I could barely navigate it before… I’m not ready to let go of him right now, he is my partner in crime. We have so much fun together, more fun than I’ve had in a very long time. Running around London together is always a good time with him. But he did say that maybe he’s not ready to let go either.
On the other hand if he wants this to end I will honour him decision. When the day comes when he is done with me and wants to sleep with someone else I’ll know that this wasn’t right… which is really hard for me. He knows what is right for him and I have no say in that matter. And he thinks I’m so good at making good choices for myself… yeah right! Probably like the furthest thing from it looking at my track record thus far.
But I’m wondering if now is the time to change my habits, end it now so I can feel the pain and try my best to let it go before he moves on. If he lets me go later to be with someone else that will hurt the most, and I won’t have time to recover. I’ll just get depressed, angry and irritated. I wish I didn’t love people so hard.
Maybe it’s time to adult and walk away… I was never made for these iffy, wishy-washy relationships because I love hard, I’m loyal and I can’t just swap between people. Casual relationships are a challenge for me because when I want someone I don’t want anyone else. He thinks I will meet someone but honestly I just want him and I won’t find anyone while we are still sexually entangled because all I will see is him. It’s like when you are in a relationship and no one seems that interesting because you are with someone already… I love him and I really hope that after all of this we can really be friends because we are a good team and we have so much fun together, and he’s fun to travel with.