Love or Lust

February 18/16

I am feeling things I never thought I would be feeling right now. I think I am managing my feelings much better now that I take medication. Sometimes I wish I could tell all the people in my life that I have bipolar, especially since I have been stable for so long now. My darkest secrets are the ones I feel like people already know about me without me telling them.

I think I’m hitting break even now with my feelings for Liam. Finally the logical part of my brain is working, I feel less on some crazy high, or slow pit of death low. I am sort of on my own with my mental illness… it’s all chemicals in my brain. Maybe this is the numb part… or maybe this is the part where I’m being 100% real with myself. I think a huge part of mental illness is being honest with yourself about things and feelings. I’m struggling to find that honesty for myself. Maybe this isn’t always easy, but the experiences I’ve had are priceless and I would never want to change them. Those experiences are what make me, me. My life is a rollercoaster ride and that’s just the way it is. I have a million and one thoughts in my head all the time and all at once, and I don’t know how to get rid of them.

On another note I am going to The Shard with Liam on Saturday night with Liam. I’m really excited! We are also going to have a proper conversation about stuff and us I suppose. I think we are just going to end up being friends… I think if he can get it straight in his head then I don’t think there will be anything between us.

If we were meant to be friends I sort of wish that he wouldn’t have complicated things. Although I miss being cuddled and he was pretty sweet about taking me home and not getting what he probably really wanted from me. The only thing is that on Saturday morning I left feeling really defeated, like I’m not enough and not good enough. I don’t want to feel like that ever again… it’s an awful feeling. I want to feel wanted and maybe even loved… too bad dating in this age barely permits that word from being spoken. I understand commitment is hard and scary, but seriously grow some balls, we shouldn’t be so ashamed or scared to have love.

xx Hailey


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