About a million steps backwards

March 28/16

Let’s take a moment to look at how I’ve been acting lately… I am being exceptionally needy, sad, irritating and taxing. I need to stop leaning on others and start to help myself to feel better and reduce my bipolar symptoms now.

So I am hurt… so what? Time to move on. These kinds of things will never be cut and dry for me. I told myself I would separate my feelings early on… why did I lie to myself? Where does the honesty with myself begin? Or will I keep lying and trying to save face?

Where have all the good things gone?  I refuse to admit more, that I care more, too much. This is what this is… I lie to myself and I care and I give into myself. I am an awful kind of self-indulgent. I opened myself up to be disappointed and what now and at what cost? For temporary satisfaction? For kisses and hugs and a quick fuck? For a guy who can see right through me and pull the feelings from my chest and walk away unscathed? How smart am I and how smart do I feel right about now? I know better, but for some moronic reason I thought I could hold this at face value… I think I was sorely mistaken…

xx Hailey


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