Behaviors

June 13/16

I arrived back in London this morning and I crashed after I had unpacked my suitcases. Also I have finally deleted months of texts from my phone in the hopes that my phone will run better as it’s been acting up lately. I did a major phone clean which will hopefully help with my battery life.

I think I need to pay closer attention to my behaviour if I ever want to get anywhere. Your outlook, approach and attitude towards thing – anything really – can make a real difference on how enjoyable your life is. Negativity never got anyone anywhere. I think I can do whatever I set my mind to do, I moved to England on my own didn’t I?

I think I have always overlooked clearly stating my goals and creating an action plan to try to achieve them. Here goes, I plan to stay in England and find a job, while I continue to look for a graphic design position. I plan to travel more, and I want to really focus on myself, my wants and on going after what I want. This time boys should not be on that list because they can be very distracting. If I stumble over the one in a million by all means, but no more pursuit.

xx Hailey

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Suspended in between

June 10/16

I’m starting to think my life in London anf my life in Canada are very separate things. Friends, family,love interests, home, animals, All of it seems like different times and spaces from each other. I feel suspended in between the two.

When did London start to feel like home as much or more than St. Catharines? When did Liam and Riley become sort of like my family? How did London change me? I know london has changed me and not because London was high on my bucket list. London is so much more then just a city that has altered my life. I will always be able to call London home now.

I have become an adult in London adn I have become responsible for myself for months without mom and dad to hold my hand anymore, as parents tend to do. Life is not so big and scary, but you have to be strong and realize that. I won’t lay down my sword, I need to keep fighting for my dreams hard now.

xx Hailey

I want to be with you, in your arms

June 7/16

So I miss Liam and I think maybe he misses me too. he has called me two nights in a row now even though he is on the other side of the world in a different time zone, once from England and once from the Netherlands.

He will be with me in a week, in West Wickham. He said we can order Thai food and we can jump on each other lol. he wants me around, in his bed mostly but I think he would miss me if I was to leave London. I think he has more feelings than he lets on but won’t let me in because of attachment issues – probably all on my end mind you.

Maybe he’s right, the more time I spend with him the further I fall. But it’s not easy, I love him so much and as per my usual I stand to lose it all. The way he acts and speaks to me just make me think he’s actually really into me. I honestly can’t wait to just fall into his arms and feel his arms around me, and kiss me deeply the way he does, as though there is just that perfect moment between us. The way he kissed me in Cambridge when I wasn’t expecting it, he grabbed me and pulled my into him and it felt like time just stood still for a minute.

I love how he snuggles up to me in bed, and on the couch, it just feels comfortable and I feel safe in his arms. When I can snuggle back into him and feel loved even though I know he doesn’t love me. Maybe he keeps me around because he likes being able to have regular sex and knows I am down for that.

I just want to be back in his arms, staring into his perfect blue eyes. I know we connect, even outside the bedroom. I need him to hold me, touch me, kiss me and completely encompass me. he makes me feel wanted, desired, like a princess even though we all know I’m not even close to being a princess and he makes me feel respected. He treats me so well without thinking twice about it. he kisses me like I’m all there is and I feel like he gets lost with me when we kiss.

There is passion and lust in the way he interacts with me. One day he is saying he needs room to breathe and the next he wants me to breathe the air he’s breathing. While we were out at the unofficial student bar one night with Alex he kissed me while Alex was in the washroom even though he tries to hide our relationship from people, even his house mates. I’m just so lost here but I know I want him near me, beside me, wrapped around me.

xx Hailey

Where is my home?

June 6/16

Being back in Canada is very strange for me. I can drive almost as if I never left since I don’t drive in England at all, you know the whole driving on the left side of the road weirdness. I like being home but funny enough I miss London – England.

I like seeing my family and friends, Hannah especially. I’m praying that I will be able to stay in England and go to Barcelona with Hannah in October. St. Catharines is still kind of strange to me, but it’s getting better. It’s better now that my room resembles my room I had before I left, my old room in Burlington. It’s really nice to see Kali too (Kali is my German Shepherd X Border Collie mix) , I’ve missed her so much, and when we were reunited she went crazy, not as crazy as Blue would have gone but crazy for Kali (Blue was my Blue Merle Miniature Australian Shepherd that I had to put down in November of 2013).

I only have a week left here before I go back to England, to Liam and Riley and Kate. It’s all so strange to have a home in more than one place, feels weird to me. Everything will feel less strange in time I suppose. The new house is just small, otherwise it’s okay. You would think I would be used to small living in London in a flat.

I guess familiar things make it feel like home. I’ve been slowly unpacking my boxes from before I left and from my parents moving while I was away. I’ve been unpacking them since I got home because I needed stuff that was in them. Nothing fits anywhere… I just hope everything works out okay, that’s all I want, something just beyond mediocrity.

xx Hailey

Going home

June 1/16

So I am writting this from the plane from London Gatwick to Toronto Pearson. That’s right, I’m going home at long last. I have so much to do when I get home, I’ll have to find my summer clothes and pajamas for starters. But tonight I have family dinner with my parents and Hannah!

I will finally hold my baby girl again (my dog) and get puppy kisses that i have missed so much. I have missed Kali so much since I’ve moved, I mean I can Skype mom and dad, but Kali hates Skype. I’m so excited to finally see her tonight. And I get to see my new house as my parents moved while I’ve been away. I guess I’ll have to write about those experiences after they happen.

This past bank holiday weekend was actually much better than I thought it would be. Liam and I went to Cambridge and then to Oxford. We went punting in Cambridge, it was so nice, we had a nice sunny day. When we went out for dinner we went to this pub that served thai food, it was so good! We stayed the night in Cambridge at this place that was almost like a bedroom in a house, it was nice though.

When we were in bed together he was very snuggly which I love because its a good sign that he’s comfortable with me and wants to be close to me. He just curls up with me whereever we are, in bed, on the couch, on the train, its pretty cute.

On Monday we went back through London Paddington to Oxford and it was awesome. We really didn’t actually see much but I still really enjoyed it. On the train back to London we had a chat and I still ended up teary eyed but not in a bad way, its only because I love him.

Regardless of it all, all the relationship stuff, I love him because of who he is, the kind of person he is. He made me tell him again why I like him so much and what makes him so special. He said “I don’t know why you like me so much” and I replied with “neither do I” in a very convincing tone, and the look on his face and the reaction he gave me was priceless. He looked almost hurt but obviously I was kidding. I find it so strange that when I act like I don’t care it seems to affect him, even though there is no real reason he should be phased by my pasiveness. But I think deep down he enjoys the fact that I like him as much as I do.

I think we are starting to see different sides of each other, at dinner in Oxford we were talking about being parents one day and he told me that he thinks I will make a good mom and that he might never be a dad. I fee like we are better suited than he can see. It totally sucks being all in when they aren’t, but you can’t chase people, you shouldn’t beg for someones time or attention, it should be given freely. Begging leaves a bad precedent.

He gives me time and attention though… more that I ever expected to get. I honestly feel so lucky to have him in my life. he doesn’t have to love me, he just needs to be my friend. I have a man who fits what i want and he is best friend material too, or as he said once he gets his own “Liam box” because he said that I get my own “Hailey box” haha.

He fits into my life seamlessly and I have been able to show him every side of myself beause I can trust him, probably more than he trusts me but still, I can be vulnerable and honest with him. He will help me celebrate my successes and be a shoulder when my life is falling apart and that’s why I love him so much.

xx Hailey

Going to Cambridge and Oxford

May 28/16

So tomorrow I’m going to Cambridge and I should be stoked, but I’m just not… I feel shitty, and I keep going to that dark place in my head where I ask a millions questions that I don’t want to know the answers to. Pretty sure if I know, I won’t like the answers I will get. I have no idea what he will even say on Monday that is so much different to anything else he has already said… and like I have said there are things I would rather not know…

Maybe it’s because I have learned from my past relationships it doesn’t really help anything. Knowing just makes your heart hurt and your mind wander just as far if you know or not. Honestly I kind of want to walk away from this entirely. I’m just going to have it rough when he starts seeing someone else.

I’m an idiot for doing this to myself… I know how it will feel… like tearing out my hair and crying in the shower. I can’t cry in my car with the music blaring because I don’t have a car anymore… I miss having a car. But I know my personality and that it takes me ages to move on because of my excellent coping skills (lol, I’m just kidding). And of course being bipolar doesn’t help any. By the end of this lovely bank holiday weekend I will be a small lake on the floor trying to be functional and failing miserably.

Hopefully Tuesday I will get up and pack as planned. As much as I would love to be graceful, I am not and because of my bipolar I will take this poorly, although there will be no tantrums or protests. I’m done fighting anyways.

Love is a feeling we all want, it will always be hard letting go of what you love and to have faith you’ll find someone better. I’m just so fucking picky, my type happens once every few thousand men, or less because I won’t be happy. My happiness is worth a lot and some guy needs to start a chemical fire inside me or I’m really going to be single at like 35… I will just be old and alone…

xx Hailey

I don’t want to talk about it anymore

May 27/16

Liam has basically said it’s over in not so many words, I just cried and thought to myself why do these things always happen to me? And at the worst times…? Like “No, I don’t want to go home sad because you broke me two days before… Thanks…” I’m not interested in having a conversation about it… I don’t even feel like speaking to him at all right now really… we have exhausted this conversation about a decade ago.

How can we go away for the weekend together and have fun when I know it’s ending…? How am I supposed to be happy when I am having my heart-broken in front of me? I have no idea how to handle this, I mean I knew the day would come. But what I didn’t know was how he would handle ending this, and so far I would say poorly. I had thought he wouldn’t drag this out and that when he knew he would just tell me. But so far he has pushed it aside and says we will talk about it later… right… later.

It doesn’t even need to be a hard conversation, just “Look, this doesn’t serve me anymore.”  I may not take it exceptionally well but at least you were honest with me, which actually means a lot even in this context. he didn’t have to come sleep with me even though he knew that he was planning this… that hurts, and it burns a little because it means he really doesn’t care if I’m just a quick fuck now.

I had faith that he would walk away in a way that I wouldn’t be able to be mad about, i would be upset in any scenario, but like now I feel like I don’t mean jack shit… so much for doing this properly. Why is it that at the end of these relationships I always walk away feeling like no one gives a single fuck about me? They can never make it a clean break, that is as nice as it can be. There is always something… something to deteriorate the trust i have for them.

drunkenness doesn’t get a pass either, I swear it’s like “How badly do I want to fuck this up? … hmm, enough that she will not have any trust in me anymore.” How can you salvage a relationship when the other person makes you doubt them? I don’t think it’s necessary to take advantage of the situation like that. All I ever wanted was for him to tell me when it was over for him and to me it’s clear that it was before Monday and he consciously slept with me despite knowing he was going to end this… not great.

He’s just stalling because we’re going away for the weekend together… stupid me for not just going alone and then I wouldn’t be spending two days with the guy who is going to break my heart… silly me for thinking “Oh this will be fun.” And it probably won’t be much fun at all… I don’t know how I will be able to be in the same room as him, let alone spend two days with him and be forced to listen to some stellar reasons why this is happening, even though I don’t want to know. I’d rather not know, not talk about it not cry in public and not ruin myself in front of him anymore…

 xx Hailey

Home is a state of mind

May 26/16

As May comes to a close I am getting ready for all my trips and mainly my trip home to Canada after so long. I have become a London girl, and I’m okay calling London home now. Did I ever think once that London would feel like home? Not really, I have sort of thought that London would be cool but that a city so big wouldn’t feel like home to me; especially since Toronto/Burlington and now St. Catharine’s/Niagara are about 5,700 km from London and from here it costs hundreds of dollars/pounds to go home.

I know now that home is and never has been place, home is with the people who you love regardless of any walls of any kind. Walls are things that make the world smaller, and that keep you in your comfort zone. Walls are just walls, a city is just a place and home is a state of mind. And life is an experience we shouldn’t wish away so easily, we should deeply enjoy the time we get with the people we love, and be happy we have good memories to look back on.

We should be careful about who we lend our time to because you can’t get time back. Can I look back and say “Yes, I always made the right choices?” No, but I can look back and say that I am not missing out on my life. The last chapter of my life has no bearing on how the next chapter plays out.

Hopefully when I come back from Canada I will have more luck finding a new job and I won’t need to move home to Canada. I have so much more to do and see in Europe before I will be ready to move home. I would love to be able to go to Barcelona in October with Hannah and whoever else. Also I want to go to Amsterdam this year if I can swing it. I need a job so badly and I hope I find something before my time in England runs out…

xx Hailey

If there’s no sparks

May 25/16

I love him to pieces and those big blue eyes of his are as piercing as mine are. I still want to hold on because I’m still not prepared for not being able to kiss him and snuggle with him. But I don’t want to be fooled either. I don’t want Liam to fake having a good time with me if he’s not into it.

If there are no sparks for him then my sparks burn out. I am hoping I can keep him longer because I need him to cuddle me and as I am in England and only know a few people and I only have a few friends it will be very hard without him around. He is a big part of my life in the UK even if we aren’t together. It’s not going to be easy to walk into his arms and only be able to hug him.

I feel like we have a connection, I could feel it the day we went to Regent’s Park when we both went to kiss each other at the same time, as if we had agreed on it or something. It just felt too perfect for some reason, even like maybe we knew it wasn’t quite time for this to end. But it still baffles me that he wanted to kiss me at all even though he had set an end date.

I mean something must have changed for him to go back on what he said. And that is one thing I don’t think he did to spare my feelings. I have so many good memories that I wouldn’t have without him, even from the beginning when we were supposed to talk about this situation and we just ended up in bed together, cuddling and kissing. And the night he was so against dancing but I made him dance and he actually had fun.

The night we went to the Shard and The Madison Rooftop Bar, #worthit! The night we went to Sky Garden on a Monday night finally after I had been dying to go for about two months. On the way home from Sky Garden even though I was pretty drunk I had a panic attack on the train back to his flat and he moved seats to sit beside me and hold me while it was happening.

The night we went on a date to Covent Gardens for dinner and it was perfect from beginning to end. The night I went out dancing with Julia and Lauren and I was so upset that he didn’t come out even though he had said he would.  After I left Soho on my way home when I got to Bromley he convinced my to come over instead of going home. He made me talk to him about why I was upset. He held onto me and wanted me to talk to him about it even though I didn’t really want to.

The night we went to Riley’s Sports Bar and some random guy was hitting on me and for some reason I got really upset about it and start crying at Liam while we were walk to Victoria Station. He had stopped walking to faced me, he wiped the tears that were streaming down my face and told me I’m cute even in a hood (because he hates hoods, and it was raining because it’s London) and he kissed me to make me feel better.

The looks he gives me sometimes with those big blue eyes of his just control me. I’m completely helpless when he uses those on me, and I’ve always loved his faux hawk as fluffy as it may be. He’s so charming and gentlemanly, he is the epitome of cute and sweet. Whoever said nice guys finish last never met Liam, the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. I will hug him and kiss him goodbye at the end because he has made my life better by just being in it. As much as I want him to be with me it won’t make him happy. I’m already jealous of whatever girl gets to keep him. He deserves to ge what he wants, even if it doesn’t involve me at all…

xx Hailey

Temporary fix

May 24/16

I think Monday will be the end of me and Liam. I can just feel it in my gut that is what is going to happen. I just want to keep having fun with him even though our relationship will always be sort of in limbo because we’re not together, but we aren’t exactly friends because we sleep together.

Whatever happens Monday I will not try to protest, I’ll do my best to just accept it. There will be no reason to fight it because it was always inevitable and because I can’t fight for something that doesn’t truly exist. Our relationship is not one, it’s not public knowledge and all it was ever meant to be was temporary. It has been a temporary fix for me… to fix my loneliness, and fix my fear of men always being awful to me. And to prove to me that I can and have moved on from Caleb after all this time.

But I still think I’m going to be single and lonely for a very long time. It took two and a half years to find Liam… which doesn’t give me any confidence. And he doesn’t even want me… so where does that leave me? With next to no hope… that’s where.

xx Hailey